Week 10: Love and The Good Life

In her book All About Love — New Visions, bell hooks talks about the importance of having a definition for the term love that encompasses “care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment and trust, as well as honest and open communication” (hooks 5). Love should be understood as a verb rather than a noun because loving would mean a conscious and intentional act rather than something that simply happens. By defining love in this light, we would be able to distinguish it from abuse that masquerades as love (cf. hook 6). I agree with this definition of love because it highlights how nuanced love can be. It means more than simply feeling attracted to someone. To love someone means to actively contribute to their well-being and flourishing. When we feel like we can openly communicate with someone and that they respect and care for us, we live happier and healthier lives.

However, this kind of love is something that some people never experienced in their life. Many who grew up in abusive households seek the same type of relationship in their adult lives, even if it makes them unhappy. They choose these relationships because they feel familiar and therefore ‘safer’. In this context, the term ‘safer’ means that we know what awaits us and how the relationship will end up being like. There is less risk in the pain than there is in the unknown which is love. People are still able to live their life even if the relationships that they have are unfulfilling. But they don’t experience this feeling of self-actualization that love enables us to feel. Many authors have defined love as ‘destructive’, but I believe that it is only destructive if we have a wrong understanding of what it means to love and to be loved. The ability to love is something that all humans possess and if we embrace that in a healthy way, we will live happier lives.