And No Wonder! The Forbidden Fruit That Adam and Eve Ate Revealed to Be a Honeycrisp Apple
During a press conference that took place Monday afternoon, Eve, the first woman, revealed that the forbidden fruit that she convinced her husband Adam to eat was, in fact, a Honeycrisp apple.
Millions of souls across earth, heaven and hell were shocked, but then, once they had a chance to think about it, all agreed that it made perfect sense considering how incredibly tasty Honeycrisp apples are.
“She said it was a Honeycrisp? Well, Jesus, that changes everything,” God said, visibly flabbergasted. “What a total no-brainer — I would have done the exact same thing if I was in their shoes, knowing now that it was a Honeycrisp. Yeah, I don’t blame them at all [for causing the entire fall of man], like, in the slightest.”
God added: “The fact that it was a HONEYCRISP apple that spurred mankind’s fall from grace and the subsequent coming of Christ, well, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. And, for a snack any less worthy, for that matter.”
In a response to a journalist’s question during the press conference, Eve also let slip the real reason why she was so persistent in eating the apple.

“They [Honeycrisp apples] weren’t in season when we caused the whole fall of man dealio, so Adam and I were practically jumping out of our fig leaf panties at the chance to get our hands on them,” Eve said, giggling at the memory. “And boy, was it worth it.”
The Good News also got the chance to talk to Satan himself about the Honeycrisp apple being his preferred temptation of choice during the time of Adam and Eve.
“Yeah, I think the Honeycrisp was a bold move at the time, but it worked, didn’t it? It got the job done,” Satan said, sweating profusely while biking on his Peloton. “See, nowadays, we’ve got Cheeto’s, Twinkies, anime porn, all that good stuff to use as a temptation device. Back when I first got the job, the Honeycrisp apple was considered revolutionary, earth-shattering, timeless…”
Satan added: “Not to mention, it was out of season, so I definitely had to shovel out a little more cash for it to bribe the [now fallen] angels, too.”
God, still baffled, tried to piece together the story for Himself and get clarity.
“Shit, I could have sworn that my secretary told me ‘Granny Smith’ when the Adam and Eve scandal went down…I was under the impression that they were offered a Granny Smith literally this entire time,” God added, closing His eyes and rubbing His temples. “Granny Smiths are — ugh, too tart for my liking. This whole time, I could not wrap my head around the fact that they gave up paradise for THAT!”
God added: “But thank Me. They can consider themselves forgiven. I mean, I know I said I did that years ago with sacrificing my only begotten Son and that whole shabang, but I actually mean it this time.”
At press time, Jonah dropped another biblical bombshell, informing God that he had actually been trapped inside the belly of a shark, not a whale.

