Exclusive Interview: Joseph on Not Being the Virgin Mary’s Baby Daddy
It’s been a surprising and shocking spring in Nazareth!
Villagers have gone absolutely bonkers after news broke last month that the Virgin Mary admitted she was pregnant with the Lord’s Son — and that her latest flame, Joseph the carpenter, is NOT the father!
The Good News was lucky enough to get an ultra-exclusive interview with Joseph, where we got to dig deep about what he thinks about step-fatherhood, purity rings, and the gaucho jean trend that’s coming back.
The Good News: Thanks so much for meeting me today, Joseph. We really appreciate you coming forward and being willing to be so transparent in what’s going on with you and Mary.
Joseph: Yeah, no problem. Thanks for having me. I guess I just want to take this opportunity to be honest with everyone so we’re all on the same page.
TGN: Absolutely. So, you and Mary’s episode of Maury recently aired, and you were officially determined not to be the father. What was going through your mind?
J: So many things were going through my mind. The crowd was wild, absolutely insane. Considering our situation, Maury was a gentleman. It made me feel better knowing I had someone on my side, you know? But…I guess, when the DNA test went through, and everybody finally saw that I was not the father, I was kinda relieved. The truth was finally revealed.
TGN: The crowd was speechless.
J: Exactly. So, yeah, I got a little speechless too. From then on, I knew my life would be different.
TGN: How has your life changed, then?
J: Everyone was dying to ask Mary more questions, so we were escorted backstage by some security guards. One looked down at me and said, “Sorry, man.”
TGN: Woof. So that’s where the pity party began?
J: Pretty much, and it hasn’t stopped since. I walk down the dust road to town everyday to get some fucking water from the well, and everyone I pass just looks at me like I can’t bone.
TGN: That’s terrible.
J: It sucks.
TGN: But hey, don’t you think you’re being a little hard on yourself? You know, considering you’re literally competing with God as the baby daddy?
J: Not when you get called “Joseph the Joystick Jerk-Off” every time I attend a Sunday virgin sacrifice.
TGN: Yikes.
J: Yeah.
TGN: Ding ding ding! It’s our lightning round.
J: Oh God.
TGN: We’re going to ask you quick-fire would-you-rather’s, and you have to answer as quickly as possible. Think you’re up to it?
J: Do I really have a choice?
TGN: Good answer. Okay, here we go. 3….2…1…boxers or briefs?
J: Boxers, no question. I’ve always been a sucker for those fun boxers, you know?
TGN: Ooooo, you mean like those ones with Spiderman or SpongeBob on them?
J: Yes, yes! Oh my God, Mary about shit her pants the other day when she saw my new pair of Rick & Morty ones. She made me change.
TGN: Didn’t put her in the mood?
J: You hit the nail on the hammer with that one.
TGN: Ha! Well, hopefully she warms up to them, because she’s stuck with you. Who else is sticking with a knocked up chick out of wedlock during Biblical times?
J: You said it man, not me.
TGN: Anyway, anyway, moving on: donkey, or mule?
J: Mule, all the way. There’s nothing my mule, Messiah, can’t carry. He’s amaze-balls.
TGN: Very nice. One final speed-round question: vaginal, or anal?
J: Not cool.
TGN: Right, right. That. Well, thanks so much for taking the time, Joseph. Best of luck to you, Mary and the new baby on the way.
J: Thank you so much.
