Fashion Angels: Best (& Worst) Dressed of Betty’s Funeral
Eyes darted back and forth. The candles flickered as family and friends passed by the casket, tears welling in their eyes. Though they mourned the passing of our sister in Christ, Betty Bea Lancaster, who fell asleep in the Lord after suffering a stroke in the felt aisle of Hobby Lobby, they shed tears of joy after witnessing the myriad of ensembles showcased by various fashionistas present. From J.C. Penney to Macy’s and Von Maur, various acquaintances, family members and church sisterhood associates pummeled the candle wax-spotted red carpet, modeling their looks and showing just what God gave them, and what Betty had taken away.
Clear victors of this fashion holy war set new fashion standards for liturgies to come. The losers, however, proved that sometimes stripes aren’t thinning and that bell-sleeves belong six feet under. Here’s a glimpse at our favorite looks from Betty’s funeral, and the outfits that deserved to be buried alongside her.
The Best:
Maggie Winterbottom: Maggie took plumage to new heights, sporting a coat and hat decorated with ostentatious feathers, which fluttered as she bent down to kiss Betty’s colorless face. Maggie, once an actress in her day, brought old Hollywood flair and even cried on cue, drawing more attention to her red carpet-worthy ensemble. Though this was Betty’s moment to find eternal rest, this was Maggie’s premiere, and her soap opera acting skills came in use when the pallbearers slipped and sent the coffin careening downwards. Maggie flung herself onto the ground, causing a scene ripped straight from and episode of The Young and the Restless. When they finally reached the grave, Maggie flashed a winning smile, and her glittering diamond necklace sparkled. Some even say Betty’s lifeless corpse jerked in response, but that was never confirmed.
Linda Mallard: Linda took the funeral procession by storm. All eyes followed Linda as she strolled from her pink Cadillac to the grave, trailing right behind the priest in her pantsuit. This #girlboss brought boardroom chic and gave it a lamentful spin, taking inspiration from the funeral floral arrangements with a peony print blazer. Soon Linda whipped out her box of Mary Kay samples and got the ladies hooked on lipstick shades like “Vixen” and “Rich Slut.” While Betty’s daughter oddly teared up during her eulogy, Linda reminded the party that she owned 51% of this funeral. As Betty’s widower kept droning on about his wife’s insatiable love for her Christian faith, Linda showed that even boss bitches can cry, as long as they sold the pitch.
The Worst:
Agnes Morning: Bless Agnes, but the fringe suede vest and brown maxi skirt combo she donned for the affair deserved the stroke more than Betty. That, and the gaudy dream catcher medallion she topped it off with deserved a heart attack. Agnes, time to lay this look to rest, girl. The possible lesbian art teacher look is tired, and though Agnes has been teaching middle school art for 30 years, the look belongs in the ‘80s when she first bought it. Worst of all was her walk. No grace or dignity, she shuffled in her clunky sandals that no length of skirt could hide, and once she plopped herself down in the pew, you couldn’t tell Agnes from a the pile of mulch topping Betty’s grave. Obviously her taste in art has no effect on her taste in clothes, and when Agnes revealed her wolf T-shirt beneath the vest, the priest considered changing the funeral to an exorcism.
Amelia Knight: If the funeral was a show during New York Fashion week, Amelia would’ve been working the restrooms at the venue. Really, her slacks/pinstripe vest outfit, paired with the way she stood near the door, made mourners think they had to tip her for some mints and a spritz of perfume. Amelia should’ve thought to at least iron out her work uniform. The wrinkles made us think she sleeps in her look, and that she also lives in her car. Trying to go for a Diane Keaton-inspired look, Amelia fell short, landing somewhere around Walmart greeter ghost. Betty might have thought she’d have some company in the afterlife.
Memory eternal was taken for Betty, but more importantly it was taken for the now legendary looks seen at the function. Not even Betty’s tearful widower could stop from staring as these beauties took his wife’s ceremony by storm. From funerals to weddings and baptisms to liturgies, church is about one thing: fashion. As Betty’s lifeless corpse sunk into the earth, there was no need to cry, except after finding out that Maggie’s feather hat was discontinued by Sears.
