Jesus Beginning To Feel Like Third Wheel Lodged Between Two Grinding Tweens at Middle School Dance
Numerous claims coming out of Holy Cross Catholic Middle School report that unfortunately, Jesus Christ is starting to feel a little bit like a third wheel after local horndogs Sarah Bunker and Mark Austings were scolded to have the Son of God “join them” in the five-inch space that separated Austings’ Nike sport polo from Bunker’s triumphantly-trying A-cups at the Holy Cross Catholic Middle School dance Friday night.
A source reported that as soon as the twosome paired up and Bunker placed her baby hands on the literal bean of a boy who seemed to lack shoulders in order to awkwardly sway to a “slow dance,” Sister Catherine called for the inclusion of Jesus to stand in between the happy, nervous-sweating couple.
“Leave room for Jesus!” shouted the old bag of bones, waving her wooden ruler as an interrogation tactic in the direction of the too-close-for-comfort couple who were just mere seconds away from experiencing their first feelings of full-force bonership.
Christ reported that being book shelved between the two pubescent teens “wasn’t the Friday night He had in mind,” and “not to mention I’m sweating my balls off.”
Christ alleged that it wasn’t until four straight songs of cringey, robotic swaying that the new couple finally started shedding their nerves, which also marked the moment He started feeling a tad out of place.
“I mean, it’s nice to feel included, don’t get me wrong,” Christ said, moving his hips in a sultry motion along to the pulsating, sexy beat of “Love Me Harder” by Ariana Grande. “But I’m just starting to get the feeling that they never really wanted me around in the first place, and that they just kinda did it out of pity. You know?”
Christ added: “And it doesn’t help that both of their breaths smell like total ASS. Do these kids floss? It smelled like straight fish sticks. That whole feeding the 5,000 shindig was a one-time thing, you know.”
Christ claims that He isn’t new to feeling like a third-wheel. According to the King of the Jews Himself, the Father and the Holy Spirit tend to get pretty buddy-buddy during their trinity hangouts in heavenly paradise, too.
“Dad pulls this kind of shit all the time, so I’m pretty used to it,” Jesus Christ mumbled, kicking His littered, empty can of Coke on the ground with His sandaled foot. “He and the Holy Spirit will always play the two-person Dance Dance Revolution, like I’m not in the literal same room as them. And they know DDR is my favorite.”
“JESUS, get over here! We’re about to take pixie stick shots!” several tween girls shouted from the snack and candy table, waving and jumping, trying to get the Lord and Savior’s attention.
“Can’t,” Christ deadpanned, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms across his beige robe, leaving just the right amount of chest hair for the imagination. “I’m working here.”
Christ reportedly was a good sport for the majority of the evening, until Sister Catherine was called out of the school dance for an emergency rosary repair, which was about the same time the tweens requested a slew of songs that just so happen to be the best songs to bang to.
“Oh, shit. Oh, God, no, please,” Jesus pleaded, his eyes frantically darting between the two cheap deodorant-clad children of God surrounding him. “Jesus Christ!”
An anonymous source reported that the Son of God wasn’t able to escape the space between the couple until a whopping 9 p.m., when the dance ended and their mothers picked their little angels up.
