Newsflash: Jesus Wasn’t Telling “Parables,” He Was Saying “Pair of Balls!”
Wow, you could’ve had a V8! It turns out that literally this entire time, Jesus and everyone else in the Bible were never referring to what we thought were stories or lessons called “parables” — they were actually talking about various pairs of balls! Now that we know, we went through and corrected this big mistake. So let’s backtrack a little, do some translating, and see what “lessons” the Bible was actually teaching.
1.) Mark 4:10 — “When He was alone, the Twelve and the others around Him asked Him about the pair of balls.”
Translation: Jesus had a giant nut sack, hands down. The disciples didn’t want to make a big deal of it out in public, because they were self-conscious about their own nut sacks. But once they were all together in private, they just had to know how Jesus did it! (Spoiler: it was an STD).
2.) Psalm 78:2 — “I will open my mouth with a pair of balls; I will utter hidden things, things from of old…”
Translation: King David of Israel [who wrote Psalms] was into dirty talk while he gargled balls like Listerine, making him not only the first and only celebrated gay man mentioned in the Bible, but also a very, very bad boy. How David was able to get this tidbit past editors and into publication, it’s still unknown. If you thought reading the Bible was going to purify your mind, you were wrong, buddy!
3.) Matthew 13:53 — “When Jesus had finished these pair of balls, He moved on from there.”
Translation: Matthew was only confirming what everyone already knew — Jesus was never monogamous. He was kind of a hoe and a fuckboi, actually. If He ever made you feel special, He was always gone by morning. For Him, no pair of balls were left untouched. Once He hit that, as Matthew said, “He moved on from there,” AKA, to other pairs of balls.
4.) Mark 4:34 — “He did not say anything to them without using a pair of balls.”
Translation: Jesus’s twelve disciples were visual learners. Just like how a lifeguard in training needs a dummy to learn how to give CPR, Jesus’s disciples needed a real-life scrotum as a visual aid of how to be a good Christian. Jesus really wanted to hammer down on the points He was making, and what better visual to use than a pair of balls?
5.) Mark 7:17 — “After He had left the crowd and entered the house, His disciples asked Him about this pair of balls.”
Translation: If it’s not crystal clear at this point, everybody is obsessed with nut sack, specifically Jesus’s. When Jesus finally came home after a long day of working the crowd, the disciples, like clockwork, always asked, “How are your balls, honey?” Jesus usually responded curtly, “fine,” before grabbing a beer and crashing on the love seat made of barn hay.
Wow! Based on obvious context clues, any reader of the Bible should have been able to realize this pretty easily. When it comes to pair of balls mentions in the Bible, there are just too many to count. If you’re interested in reading more, be sure to check out other pair of balls references: The Pair of Balls of the Tenants, The Pair of Balls of the Faithful Servant, The Pair of Balls of the Sower, and more.
