Scandal: Miller Family Switches From “Merry Christmas” to “Happy Holidays” in Holiday Greeting Card
All chaos broke out Sunday morning when The Miller Family’s supposed “Christmas” cards finally arrived in mailboxes. In a break from tradition, the Millers made the controversial decision to transition from season’s greetings of the holy, Christ-centered “Merry Christmas” to pagan and hell-bound “Happy Holidays.”
Many family members and friends — specifically, the Millers’ relative Janet — were slightly put off by the sudden switch.
“For me, the Millers’ Christmas card — well, I guess you couldn’t really call it that anymore — their… ‘holiday’ card was very telling,” Janet Hendricks, the Millers’ second-cousin’s great-aunt once removed, said. “It told me this: that the Millers have booked a one-way ticket to the fiery inferno of Hades and have no intentions of returning.”
Despite the dozens of religious holidays celebrated in the month of December, the Millers’ decision to not define their holiday card by one religious celebration is both puzzling and alarming. According to The Good News’ estimates, the holiday card was reportedly sent to a circulation of about a hundred households, most likely including loved ones of all different religious beliefs. This leads to the question: why so much inclusion?
“What’s next? They’ll take the Christmas tree down? They’ll stop caroling in the nice neighborhoods? They’ll start engaging in barbaric pagan rituals? Is that what they’re going to do?” Janet said, pouring herself another eggnog. “Let’s just say, I hope I’m with the Lord before it escalates to those levels.”
The holiday message wasn’t the only thing getting a revamp this year. Replacing the bold baby-in-a-manger imagery of Christmas Card 2018, the Millers’ 2019 card is a simple, light blue wintery design with large white snowflakes — what the Millers claim is, “a classic December scene, a true winter’s greeting.”
While cousin Janet’s opinion of the new card is clear, pretty much all of the Millers’ other friends and family within the holiday card circulation had a differing opinion.
“I…thought it was nice,” Leslie Goldberg said simply of the new card design, a neighbor and friend of the Millers as well as an active member of the Beth Israel Temple.
Despite the positive reviews for the new holiday card, cousin Janet says she refuses to back down.
“Last year, I had Brian and his family up on my fridge. MY FRIDGE! Only the good cards go there! Only the well-put together ones who have not only deeply religious themes, but also show off how good looking they are! It’s imperative that I can show off how good looking my family is to Ruth,” Janet said, suddenly lighting a cigarette at the mention of her frienemy neighbor.
Janet finished: “You think that’s [the holiday card] going up on my fridge? That won’t even make it on my mantle, let alone my God-damn fridge.”
