The Gossamer — March 16, 2016

Happy Wednesday. Welcome to The Gossamer for March 16, 2016. After last night’s primaries, I might be one step closer to moving to São Paulo.

(Dear Brazilian readers, if you’re out there: How is São Paulo? How are Brazil’s current cultural, economic, and political climates? Please let me know. You may see me around soon.)

It’s becoming more clear than ever that the 2016 election is a Trump-Clinton race. Why’s that? Why do I assume, and therefore make of myself an ass? Why align myself with so many other asses (er, assumers) who think that neither Cruz nor Kasich nor Sanders have a chance?

Marco Rubio is why.

Rubio was the Republican establishment’s favorite. He was young. He was less creepy than Cruz. He was less of Trump’s everything. And the establishment figured, “Hell, no one’s gonna vote for Kasich.” So they put Rubio on a pedestal and hoped — and prayed — that he’d rise above the orange-haired juggernaut and the guy who could very well be a serial killer.

Their boy Marco didn’t even win his home state. Yes, he won Minnesota. Yes, he won D.C. Yes, he won Puerto Rico. But neither of those victories were big enough to keep Marco in the race. It was Florida or die. Trump took Florida. And while he laughed in his swanky-ass Mar-a-Lago estate, Marco died.

Republican elders thought that if Rubio could hold out, they’d have a shot at getting the Trump off of their backs. But with Rubio gone, and with Cruz and Kasich floundering in comparison to Dumper Trump’s numbers, the GOP overlords are running out of options when it comes to getting rid of the front-runner.

This terrible image is getting closer to reality by the day.

So Dong Dump’s trumped the right. And let’s face it: Clinton’s clinched the left. She won four states on Tuesday, with Sanders barely beating her by one delegate in Missouri. Secretary Senator Clinton sent me three emails yesterday gloating about her wins, while Senator Sanders sent me emails saying he wanted a revolution. (Well, you know. We all want to change the world.) It seems that while Clinton and her team are starting to focus on the general election, Sanders and his team are pushing the “political uprising” story as far as it can go. The only question is: How much juice does Sanders have before it’s time to bow out? And can Clinton keep going full speed ahead without crashing into any roadblocks?

This I guess: If nothing stops either Trump or Clinton before the conventions this summer, we will see these two go head to head in the months before America heads to the polling booths in November. The debates will be ugly. The attack ads will be disgusting. The press will be wetting themselves. I will be packing up to move to Brazil. I may not actually go to Brazil depending on the outcome of the election, but — you know — it’s good to have a bag packed, just in case.

Meanwhile, let’s check in on our other candidates. Let me just head into the “Dropped Out Of The Race” bunker here… Where’s my flashlight? Ah, yes. Here it is. Hold on…

WS: Hi, everybody! Geez, you all look awful!

Carly Fiorina: Oh, thank God you’re here. Has Hillary dropped out yet? I’ve been stuck in this room with these other dick-swinging assholes and they’re all lazy shits. If Hillary drops out, at least I’ll have someone to talk to.

Jeb Bush: You know, that hurts, Carly. I thought we had something going. Why can’t we be friends?

Martin O’Malley: Oh, shut up, Jeb. That exclamation point you tacked onto the end of your name doesn’t make you any more likable than a piece of shit on a wet stick.

Ben Carson: Martin, you’re tense. Let me rub your shoulders. I have gifted hands.

Martin O’Malley: Don’t even think about it, Ben. You don’t want to touch me. I’m a loose cannon.

Rick Santorum: Gee, Martin. Calm down! We’re all in the same boat. Hell, I’ve been in this boat lots of times!

Martin O’Malley: I don’t give a crap how many times you’ve been in this boat, Rick. Face it. I was supposed to be the Democratic nominee! I was! Now it’s down to a Wall Street-loving capitalist and some old guy. What happened to the young, scrappy, down-to-Earth candidates? What happened to electing the average American? I ask you, what?

Chris Christie: Martin, you’re shaking. Come on. Sit down and eat something. You don’t wanna end up like Scott and Jim.

Rick Santorum: Jim?

Carly Fiorina: Scott Walker? Jim Gilmore? They’re two of the dead bodies in the corner. Remember?

Chris Christie: Yup. Scott, Jim, Rick Perry, Bobby, and Lindsey. Lincoln, Webb, and Lawrence, too. All of ’em are over there. Hell of a way to go.

Ben Carson: Who would’ve thought that Mike Huckabee’s flesh was full of poison? I told ’em they should’ve eaten me. God would’ve approved.

Carly Fiorina: Shut the hell up, Ben. Don’t martyr yourself. God isn’t here.

Marco Rubio: Whoa! Ahh. What’s going on? What happened?

Rand Paul: Oh, good. You’re awake.

Jeb Bush: I was wondering when you were gonna join us, Marco. I missed you, buddy. Let me hug you.

Marco Rubio: Get the hell away from me, Jeb! What is this?

Jeb Bush: Oh, Marco. You’re one of us now.

Ben Carson: You’re in the League of Failed Candidates. Well, it’s not really a league. It’s more of a cult which you’re forced into.

Marco Rubio: I gotta get out of here. I have a family! I have a life!

Carly Fiorina: We all did, Marco. But it’s part of the deal. If you run for president, you either run… or you die.

Ben Carson: But it’s okay, Marco. We’re all together at last. We don’t need to fight anymore. We can all live in harmony, just like God willed.

Marco Rubio: No. No! I gotta get out of here! I don’t wanna drop out of the race! I wanna run again! I wanna live! I want to liiiive!

Rand Paul: You had your chance, Marco! We all had our chance! But it’s too late!

Marco Rubio: God, no! Please, God! Help me!

Let’s… uh… hmm. Let’s leave them alone for now. I’ll go back down and feed them in a couple of days.

That’s it for The Gossamer for today! Hope you enjoyed it. If you did, you can subscribe somehow. I still don’t know how to get Medium articles delivered to people via email, but I figure you just click a button or something. Figure it out.

You’ve just read The Gossamer. Have a sweet now, and a sugary later. [S]

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