The Gossamer — March 2, 2016

Welcome to the new national nightmare, ladies and gents. Here’s The Gossamer for Wednesday, March 2, 2016.

Often, when I’m alone and staving off the usual bout of repressed mania with a 6-pack of Snapple and a binge-watching of Gilmore Girls, I think: “Why?” This question echoes in my head until Lorelai Gilmore a.k.a. Lauren Graham stares out from the computer screen, makes a face, and says: “Boy, are you pathetic.”

The world is full of questions, so no matter what Lauren Graham says to me through the veil of Netflix, I feel like my questions are fair. “Why?” Why does a populace with a shred of intelligence look at Donald Dump as a viable presidential candidate? Why is Hillary Clinton looked at as the only viable Democratic nominee? How did the state of Minnesota turn out for Marco Rubio? (That last question isn’t me knocking Rubio’s performance on Super Tuesday. I’m just curious as to why the Gopher State turned out for the bronze-medal candidate. The Economist says that Rubio’s rallying on Tuesday paid off, which reminds me of the phrase uttered by Allison Janney on The West Wing: “Decisions are made by people who show up.” So Rubio showed up, and the voters made their decisions. Huh. If only every candidate could be everywhere at once. Do you think candidates will one day be able to get their hands on teleport technology? Actually, forget I asked.)

But here’s the real question I’ve got muddled in my mind. Why will America settle for a Clinton/Trump race? You look at the numbers. You see how clear it is that Trump and Clinton are going to take this race come hell or high water. But you look at the people, and you hear them, and most of them don’t want either of the two front-runners to take the nomination. I mean, on the left side (near the box with everything you own), some Democrats want the Bern to keep burning on, calling him the left’s best shot against the GOP, and citing Hillary’s many scandals as possible roadblocks throughout the rest of her run and possible term. On the right, you’ve got — you know — Dump Trump. Imagine a dump truck named Dump Trump. Maybe that’s already a thing, but I’m going to Photoshop that real quick. Hold on.

Where was I? Oh, right. The race.

Look, I hate to play “Devil’s Handsome Advocate”, but a Clinton/Trump race would be the epitome of the “Lesser Of Two Evils” situation everyone talks about when election time comes around. Clinton would certainly cause Congress to wrap her up a la Obama in years of deadlock, because Congress is like me on a Friday afternoon at 4:00, except they’re like that every day. Meanwhile, Trump would Trump America into Trump Town until Trump can’t Trump no more. So basically it comes down to this: Four to eight more years of Congress being babies, or God knows how many years of unlawful carnal knowledge via Trump’s big, stinky gold-plated boner? (Fun fact: That gold-plated boner? Only worth ten bucks! Heyooooooo!)

The point I’m trying to make is this. America had a chance to stop this wild situation from occurring way back in November. We all could’ve let the Trump train sink itself into the Hudson; it’d derailed the minute it left Trump Tower. And while it’s no big thing that Clinton’s the front-runner — good for her, actually, she deserves it after getting walloped in 2008 — the initial reaction to Sanders was as if William Jennings Bryan had risen from the dead. (No one? No one gets William Jennings Bryan? I mean, go look up the guy. Same sort of deal as Sanders. Spoke for the huddled masses, attacked the rich, wanted sort of finance reform, and so on. McKinley beat him in 1986. McKinley got shot in 1901.)

Anyway, we play the cards we’re dealt, whether we like ’em or not, I guess. The only worry is whether or not we can bluff for long enough to pretend like this isn’t pretty damn frightening.

And now, more news.

• Everyone — including New Jersey Trump supporters — are still wondering why ex-Dump Trump rival Chris “No More Fat Jokes, You Assholes! If You’re Gonna Take The Mickey, Attack My Policies!” Christie is backing the Donald, especially when it doesn’t even look like he wants to. Three guesses: 1) Christie’s looking for a cabinet position; this guess is the most widely accepted one by most Americans. 2) Trump’s got some dirt on Christie, and if Christie doesn’t want to stir up the ire of his neighbor to the east, he’d better smile and wave up on Trump’s stage. 3) Christie wanted to be the “Tell It Like It Is” candidate, and when Trump took that post last June, Christie vowed to live vicariously through the Donald, even if that meant lowering himself.
• Our education system may be failing its students, but students with special needs in New York City are really getting some F+ treatment. According to the New York Times, as many as 40 percent of students with special needs may not be receiving the services they require from their schools. What’s worse is that the number may not even be correct; the NYC Department of Education’s unreliable data systems haven’t recorded which students aren’t receiving the services. City public advocate Letitia James sued the Department last month for their negligence. If that sounds bad, it’s because it is. I mean, no school likes getting sued. You know that time that you broke your leg on the swings, and the school said, “Not our fault,” and your parents spent hours on the phone with the superintendent threatening to get the PTA on the horn? That’s what this whole situation is like. It’s not great.
• And you know how technology is great and how it doesn’t or shouldn’t matter to anyone else what we do with it? Chick-Fil-A begs to differ. 150 locations across the country are beginning to hand out free ice cream to customers who can get through an entire meal without looking at their phones. Essentially, Chick-Fil-A has taken it upon themselves to patronize their patrons, treating them all no better or worse than what most old people think most millennials act like. It’s like your mom telling you to put the phone away at the table, except maybe you’re actually a mom, and your teenage server is going tsk-tsk as she treats some other mom without her cell phone to a half-melted Dixie cup of vanilla goo. It’s weird. Again I ask: “Why?”

That’s all for today’s issue of The Gossamer. Don’t forget that you can subscribe to this or something. I haven’t figured out how to enable that for this publication. I’m still new to Medium, and this brave new social media platform scares me a bit. I mean, all the clickbait. All the thinkpieces. The open letters. Yeesh.

You’ve just read The Gossamer. Have a safe ride home. [S]