The Gossamer — March 3, 2016

Politics only provides the illusion of choice. Porn puts you in full control. Thus provides the subject of The Gossamer for Thursday, March 3, 2016.

We’ve been talking about politics too much here for the last week, and frankly, so have the rest of the media. I know that you, like me, are tired of hearing the same old back-and-forth between Trump and Rubio, tired of the discourse erupting between the Clinton and Sanders camps, tired of making fun of Ted Cruz for being the Zodiac Killer. (It’s fun, though.) We’re not, however, talking enough about the deeper issues affecting our nation. We’re not discussing the base desires of our nation. For example: What’s up with Vermonters jacking it to cartoons? And why do the few citizens of Montana and Wyoming have a thing for stepsisters?

What I’m referring to, if you haven’t seen it, is the January 2016 Pornhub map of America, which presents simply the most searched porn tags by state. See the carnal cartography below, via Vocativ:

Disappointing: No state searched for “crippling loneliness.” That’s my go-to.

There’s a lot to take away from this map. While no one deserves to be judged for their tastes in erotic media, and while the map should not serve as a generalization of each of the fifty states, we can at least make some observations about the peculiarities of our nation’s pornographic palette. To begin:

  • Five states have a tendency to search for stepmoms: Washington, Alaska, South Dakota, Kentucky, and New Hampshire. Five other states seem to salivate over stepsisters: Montana, Wyoming, Minnesota, Ohio, and Maine. Note the placement of these ten states, especially those states in the Pacific Northwest and northern Midwest. Note the proximity of states that prefer stepmoms to the states that prefer stepsisters. South Dakota — a stepmom state — is sandwiched in between three states that prefer stepsisters. The northern border of stepmom-loving Kentucky butts up against the southern border of stepsister-savvy Ohio. And in the Far Northeast, New Hampshire’s preference for ageplay is side-by-side with Maine’s sibling fetish. Make this observation and draw your own conclusions, if you will. (NOTE: Rhode Island, another mom-loving state, searches most for “MILF”; it seems that their tastes apply to any mom, and not just stepmoms. Seems that the other states get turned on more by non-traditional marriages. But never mind.)
  • Search terms directly related to race are rare, popping up in only five states across the nation. Mississippi, Louisiana, Georgia, and Delaware all search most for videos featuring African-Americans, although Louisiana is the only state which searches specifically for “black” while the other states prefer the more eloquent “ebony.” In Hawaii, the most searched term on Pornhub is “Asian.” This all makes sense, for the states that search most for “black” or “ebony” have some of the highest percentages of African-American population in the nation; likewise, Hawaii’s population has the highest percentage of Asian-Americans in America.
  • Every state has a portion of the porn-loving population with a penchant for animated poon. But Vermont, Nebraska, Arkansas, and Tennessee all search the most for porn featuring fictional actors, who are usually drawn or modeled by a pervy overlord. It’s interesting that these four states would have a predilection for animation, especially since none of them share a clear common bond. I’ve considered population, quality of the environment and natural resources, and major industry as reasons, but nothing seems to add up. I suppose we can only shrug as these states’ porn-viewing populations opt for cel-shaded smut.
  • And finally, let’s address the elephant in the room: Thirty states — including many which voted against same-sex marriage — search most for lesbian porn. That’s not surprising. Since the dawn of erotica, sultry scenes featuring women in love have stirred up the darkest desires of both men and women. But note that the nationwide popularity of lesbian porn is due to the fact that it is popular with straight men, who with their collective awe of sapphic bliss make up most of the American porn viewing populace. Draw your own conclusions from that; frankly, I’m still busy wondering about the whole “cartoon” thing. Seriously, Vermont. Arkansas? Not that I’m judging you guys, or Tennessee or Nebraska for that matter, but what’s up with the fascination? Why is that fascination limited to your four states? I don’t get it. Let’s open a discussion.

In other news:

  • Ex-feared GOP candidate Mitt Romney called Trump Dump a “phony” and a “fraud” in a recent speech, saying that his promises “are as worthless as a degree from Trump University.” Remember: This is the guy people didn’t want as president in 2012 calling out the guy whom no one with an ounce of sanity wants as president in 2016. It proves to me that ladies and gentlemen, we’re living in a computer simulation in which the programmers are just giving up entirely.
  • A possible New Jersey Transit strike could leave over 150,000 commuters scrambling for alternative transportation solutions. That’ll mean more traffic on the bridges, more buildup at train stations, and more decaffeinated customer frustration in the mornings and after dismal workdays. Whose job is it to fix this, you ask? Chris frickin’ Christie. Yeah. This won’t derail at all.
  • And finally, if you thought extreme sadness was the only path to a broken heart, think again. A new “study” in the European Heart Journal shows that extreme happiness can break our hearts as well, and when that happens, we could die. Simply put, this has to do with extreme happiness putting strain on the heart, which could cause the heart to react poorly if emotions suddenly plummet. The chances of such a “broken heart syndrome” occurring is rare, and the research behind this study isn’t perfect. However, it does make you think that maybe your crabby old next-door neighbor who never smiles has a good thing going.

That’s all for The Gossamer this week. Remember that you can subscribe to this publication somehow, if getting daily updates to your email is a thing that turns you on. And again, if you live in the states of Nebraska, Arkansas, Tennessee, or Vermont, I want to know what the deal is with the cartoons. Is it, like, a shared fascination of the talent behind the animation? I need to know.

You’ve just read The Gossamer. Thank you, and I apologize. [S]