“Real Talk: The Lost Art of Listening” Recap

Listening is a vital skill that we often take for granted. We listen everyday — to people, to music, to podcasts — yet how often is our listening on autopilot? How often are we listening with the intent to reply rather than understand? We can all be more intentional with the way we listen, and luckily, like other skills, listening can be improved. Last week we hosted a Real Talk with Ximena Vengoechea, UX Researcher and author of Listen Like You Mean It, to teach us how. Keep scrolling to find out!

Best Bites

• “When we go deeper, we can get to empathetic listening, when we’re tapping into the subtext, the meaning, and even beneath that, the emotion coming up for the other person. That emotional spot is where human-to-human connection occurs, shifting the conversation from transactional to meaningful.” While many of us practice surface listening everyday — catching just enough to be polite or respond — the real value lies in empathetic listening. This opens up doors for people to feel more connected, understood, and cared for.
• “In every conversation, there is a need — it could be support, validation, problem-solving. The first step into having a deeper conversation is by searching for that need.” We don’t normally start conversations by communicating what we need from the other person. To become better listeners (and ultimately better friends, partners, researchers, etc.), we need to dig below the surface, beyond the words themselves, to uncover what that need is for the other person. Then, we’ll have a better idea of what to truly be listening for and be able to get closer to empathetic listening.
• “Your default listening mode is the way you tend to hear things in conversation. It’s instinctive. There’s no good or bad, but the real key is to adapt your mode to what’s needed in a given moment.” Acknowledging that there is a need to uncover is only the first step. The next job to be done is understanding how you show up in conversation through your default listening mode — psst: take the quiz near the end of this recap to find yours! — and adapting your mode to meet the other person’s need. For example, if you have a problem-solving default mode but the other person just wants space to vent, offering solutions could actually make the person feel less heard and supported.
• “The best way of eliciting the listening mode that is going to be most productive for you is to be as specific as possible about that. To say, at the outset of the meeting, ‘We’re all here to think of solutions’ or in a 1-on-1, ‘I’m feeling insecure, so I could really use some words of affirmation.’” A lot of us might feel uncomfortable being so direct about our needs, but doing so is incredibly helpful for the other person — and in turn, for yourself. The other person probably wants to meet your needs and have a deep conversation or productive work meeting, so think about it as simply guiding them to arrive at the best possible response.

Go Deeper

We highly recommend getting a copy of Ximena’s book, Listen Like You Mean It, to dive even deeper into understanding your default listening mode, seeing how it can be adapted, and learning from her user research experiences, as well as those from other listening experts like marriage counselors and filmmakers.

And if you like what you see, check out Ximena’s other works, including her newsletter Letters from Ximena on tech, culture, creativity, and career, and reflections and tips on how to do a Life Audit.

Run With It

Becoming a better listener can start with a few simple practices you can do today:

• Identify your default listening mode here. When you understand how you usually listen, you can adapt your mode to meet the moment and listen in the way that is most helpful to the other person.
• Start questions with “What” or “How.” Avoid those that start with “Do,” “Is,” or “Are” to avoid biasing the other person or presuming there’s a right response.
• Recognize your hot spots, or topics of conversations you might be sensitive to (i.e., finances).
• Do an energy audit. Understand what contributes to your ability to stay present — food, sleep, the amount of deep conversations you can have in a day. If you’re not present, you’re not going to listen.

A huge thank you to Ximena for sharing so many tangible takeaways on how to become better listeners and help each other feel heard, connected, and understood in a world that keeps turning up the volume. We encourage you all to take these tips and apply them to your conversations to be more vulnerable and inclusive, especially as we navigate through the complexities of hybrid workspaces and as we socialize more while the world re-opens.

With love and solidarity,

Team strtgst

the gst /gist/ is a publication of strtgst.co