Election Season is Time to Shitcan Bigoted Public Officials: Here’s How You Can Help
By Ian Woode
Warning: This article will contain racist and homophobic language. We, The Haint, do not endorse the views of the following people. However, it is in the author’s opinion that quoting these individuals goes towards showing the gravity of their remarks.
With the recent recall effort reported up in Fairmont over the vile, racist, and homophobic comments by a city councilman, it got us here at The Haint a-thinking: what the fuck is wrong with West Virginian elected officials?
Don’t get us wrong — everywhere has its shitheads.
One need only look across the river to our cousins in Kentucky to find Matt “Imma let the pedos out of jail” Bevin and good ole Kim Davis, that heroic county clerk who so valiantly denied gay couples basic human rights. Hell, Washington DC is filled to the gills with fuckheads — check out the Oval Office to see the breakdown in decorum and decency for humanity.
I doubt that orange turd even washes his hands after he shits.
Getting back to West Virginia.
Over the last four years, it seems our political class has a messaging issue. By messaging, we of course mean blurting out racist, homophobic, and sexist garbage, then wondering why people think they’re assholes. Call it White Fox News Viewer Syndrome. Call it being a dick. Call it bigotry. Call it hatred. Whatever we call it, it ain’t right.
And whatever it is, it would appear the Fairmont Council man — Karl David Kennedy — probably won’t be the last we see spew some nastiness in our beloved Mountain State.
Which is a shame, really.
After all, West Virginians fought against slavery during the Civil War. In the mine wars of the early 20th Century, the native Scotch-Irish, African Americans from the Deep South, and European immigrants banded together to fight the company. During the Civil Rights era, WV was the first Southern State to integrate public services.
But can West Virginian culture — and Appalachian culture as a whole — be a bit fucked in how it handles the stories and histories of people of color? Hell yes. Do you think we have a lot more room to grow, more to do, in bridging the gap between white Appalachians and people of color? No doubt.
We can’t be having this shit.
At the very least, it gives the rest of the Union — even Mississippi — the excuse to point at us and call us a mess of backward hicks. At the most, such inflammatory remarks create unsafe conditions for ethnic, religious, sexual, and racial minorities in our region. Look at the uptick in Alt-Right violence nationally — the rhetoric is driving it.
To quote famed law man Barney Fife, “We gotta nip it in the bud.”
The following is a list of elected officials, both serving and former, who have been caught shooting their mouth off. If you can believe it, a few of these folks remain in office.
But this isn’t just a depressing listical here. This isn’t information you can solemnly read on the crapper at work — which our latest data shows is the location most of you dear readers consume our articles. Instead, we hope to give you some ideas on how to fight these fascists.
If you see a name or a locale that jumps out to you, one that you might live and vote in, keep these names in mind when you go to the ballot box this November. Maybe jot down the phone numbers we have for the folks still holding office.
Del. Eric Porterfield
Representing Mercer County in the House of Delegates, Porterfield made waves last year during his freshman stint in the Legislature. First he used the F-word in committee, then he doubled down by equating the LGBTQ community with the Ku Klux Klan. Then to top it all off, Porterfield told reporters he’d see if his kids could swim if they came out as gay.
“Well, I will address my daughter first,” Porterfield said. “I would take her for a pedicure, I’d take her to get her nails done, and see if she could swim. If it was my son, I would probably take him hunting, I would take him fishing, then I’d see if he could swim.”
Frankly, I don’t know what’s more terrifying — the fact he alluded to drowning his kids for being gay or going out hunting as a blind man?
The WV GOP for its part issued a strongly worded statement and left it at that. A retired military man announced he’d run against Porterfield in the primary this year.
Eric Porterfield’s office number is (304) 340–3179 if you’d like to ask him to clarify his position.
I hedge to bet at least a handful of y’all have put in time at a call center, so here’s a little script you can use:
Hey, I’m (YOUR NAME HERE) a concerned voter here in West Virginia. I just wanted to let y’all know, my friends and myself do not forget what Del. Porterfield said about LGBTQ people in our state. We will be asking our friends and relations in his district to vote against him in the upcoming election. Please let Del. Porterfield know threatening to drown his children if they came out as gay is definitely not pro-life.
Bonus Points: Let’s try to change the term “felching” to the Porterfield.
Eric Barber, Parkersburg City Councilman
Remember when Brett Kavanaugh got appointed to the Supreme Court, despite being accused of attempting to rape a girl when he was a teenager? I know, that was an impeachment, a near war, and a few human rights violations on the southern border-ago. Well, amidst all that, this Democrat-turned-independent (does that make him a half-Justice?) thought it would be clever to post “Get your coat hangers ready, liberals” on Facebook.
Unlike Porterfield, Barber tried to backpedal, claiming he was referring to when a pro-choice activist threw a coat hanger in his face during a demonstration over the summer. He took down the comment and said he could how it could be perceived as insensitive.
Of course, no one bought that shit. He did say back alley abortions are a serious matter — one of those near misses in logic where he almost became conscious of why we have legal abortion in the first place.
Barber can be reached at (304)588–3316.
Trying to think of something to say? Here’s a good little sample script:
Hey Mr. Barber, I am a concerned voter here in West Virginia. I wanted to let you know I will do my part to make sure my friends in the Parkersburg area do not forget what you said about abortions in the upcoming election. We are asking folks to vote against you. Also, my great-uncle was a proud manufacturer of wire coat hangers for 35 years. Such statements about the use of coat hangers are tantamount to war on humble coat hanger makers across this country. You might as well say coal is the Devil’s rock.
Bonus Points: Make a donation to Planned Parenthood in Eric Barber’s name.
The City of Clay Incident
When Donald Trump got elected, it was a shock to the world. I’d be a liar to say it threw me into a relapse — I’d been drinking about a week before the election — but it gave me an excuse to start hitting the hard liquor again.
In Clay, a little town with a population under 500, some heads rolled in the weeks following the election.
It all started when Pamela Taylor, the then-director of the Clay County Development Corp, posted on Facebook, “It will be refreshing to have a classy, beautiful, dignified First Lady in the White House. I’m tired of seeing an Ape in heels.”
As if things couldn’t get any worse, the Mayor Beverly Whaling agreed with the statement.
Thankfully, this story has a happy(ish) ending. Underneath intense pressure, Whaling tendered her resignation to the city council. Taylor was placed on administrative leave until December 2016, when the state took over the agency for elderly and low-income residence due to concerns about how its funds were managed.
Sometimes the trash takes itself out, ya know?
Cindy Frich, former delegate
Cindy Frich used to represent Monongalia county in the WV House of Delegates until voters booted her in the last midterms. Frich is a hardcore conservative who famously made an ass out of herself on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart by reenacting how she repeatedly drank contaminated water during the 2014 Elk River spill, despite it burning her throat and making her lightheaded.
But this list isn’t for stupid politicians — there ain’t enough space for that article. Instead, we’re focusing on some more recent history.
Like when Frich helped instigate a digital lynch mob against a Drag Queen Story Hour in Morgantown, causing the event to be canceled due to a death threat. During the kerfuffle, Frich accused Del. Danielle Walker of bringing Antifa to town and equated drag to black face. To top it all off, she effectively doxed one of the main performers.
Since the incident, her Facebook page appears to be dormant — or perhaps she found that ever elusive, Boomer-proof privacy setting.
Why couldn’t she take her time up with finger painting, like Bush II?
What can you do? Well, since she’s out of office we advise not fucking with it, lest it give her that martyr complex that might propel her to run for office. Instead, let’s start referring to the ole Cleveland Steamer as the Cindy Frich.
WV GOP Day
For the past year, a saga has drawn out in WV politics.
Last legislative session, Del. Mike Caputo, a Democrat from Marion County, allegedly kicked in a door at the statehouse, which struck a staffer, and preceded to elbow another politician. Months after the fact, he faced misdemeanor battery charges. Finally, a judge ruled the incident was covered by legislative immunity and the charges were thrown out.
What was it? Bath Salts?
Fuck no. This ain’t Florida.
What ticked Caputo off was a sign in the statehouse lobby for WV GOP Day. The display depicted Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-Minnesota) as being complicit with the September 11th attacks. ACT for America, a Southern Poverty Law Center designated hate group set up the display, according to media reports.
The WV GOP officially denounced the display, never addressing the fact that it associated itself with a group whose founder has called Arab Muslims “barbarians” and claimed Muslims cannot be loyal Americans.
The West Virginia GOP can be reached at (304)768–0493. As always, here’s a sample script:
Hey y’all, this is (Insert your name), I’m calling to let you know as a concerned voter I have not forgotten that racist crap y’all allowed at GOP Day last year. This is unacceptable and not reflective of the values I hold dear as a West Virginian. My friends and I will be getting anyone who will listen to vote against your candidates this year.
Bonus: Invite GOP field organizers to put their signs in your yard, then throw them out.
Bonus Round:
Celebrated Democratic Sen. Robert C. Byrd was a Klansman. He later disavowed the Ku Klux Klan and claimed he evolved in his views on race, thought it still doesn’t remove the taint from wearing a white hood on his head.
Mike Folk, a former Republican Delegate from Berkeley County, literally called for Hillary Clinton’s execution during the 2016 election cycle. Fuck Folk, we don’t like Hill-Dawg either, but that’s a bit far, don’t ya think?
John Mandt, a delegate representing Cabell County, said he would stay away from a vigil for victims of the New Zealand mosque shooting because “anything Muslim is associated with the Democrats.” The backlash ended up costing him his contract to sell sub-par hot dogs at Marshall football games.
