Operation Virginia Ham
BY IAN WOODE
The Haint obtained the following email correspondence between the Governor of WV and the President of Liberty University, printed out and crumpled up on the floor of a Little General shitter outside Beckley last week. After doing our journalistic due diligence and washing our hands, we now present our findings to the public.
TO: Jerry Falwell Jr., President of Liberty University
FROM: Gov. Jim Justice, of West Virginia
DATE: February 3, 2020
RE: Operation Virginia Ham
First, I want to thank you for driving all the way to Martinsburg for that press conference last week. It was touching to have an important person of your stature fill in at the last second, since Shaquille O’Neil said he couldn’t make it because they were shooting a new Papa John’s commercial. I know Blue Ridge Technical College isn’t Harvard or anything, but it’s the best I could do in the Eastern Panhandle. Shepherdstown is filled with too many of them liberal transgender art students — they would’ve rioted if you’d showed up there. The heroin addicts in the rest of the Panhandle might’ve tried to break into your car, so a community college was the best bet.
You telling me to call Fox and Friends, that was a good touch. I liked that touch Jerry. You got a good touch, just like your daddy. Nimble, like my grandmother’s thimble, so to speak. I need your touch, Jerry.
But the way the liberal media tells it, we look like idiots. We know if you deep fry a frog long enough, it’s going to burn. I’m afraid that’s what they’re trying to do — deep fry a perfectly good frog we could use to catch some big bass. Those Virginians are chomping at the tit to come over to the Mountain State, but if those liberals keep frying our bait, making us look stupid with “Vexit” and foolishness like that, how the heck are parts of VA going to defect without looking stupid?
They won’t. They’ll stay in the People’s Republic of Virginia just so they won’t look like a mess of dumb rednecks. You know what my father used to say about rednecks, don’t you? I think I told you that when we spoke over the phone — “A redneck will stay a redneck until the church bus picks up his kids on Sunday morning.”
Come to think about it, I think my daddy said that once, when he was at the nursing home. Probably doesn’t mean anything.
Either way, after meeting with members of my cabinet and the West Virginia Republican Party leadership, we’ve come up with another idea. Instead of kindly inviting over counties from your state, we can just liberate them.
See, Jerry, unlike Virginia, West Virginia isn’t growing but shrinking. Every year people move away for better work, despite the Jobs Rocket Ship I’ve worked so hard to build over the last 4 years. Now, publicly I’ve always fought against this sort of thing, but looking at it now, I see a window of opportunity. You know what they say? When God shuts a door, he opens a window. Sometimes he has a tree fall through the roof of your house. The Lord works in mysterious ways, as you know Jerry.
What we’re going to do with those folks moving away is give them an incentive to move specifically to Virginia, on a sliding scale based on which county they go to. If they move, say to Fairfax County, we might toss them $100. But if they move to Rockingham County, they’re getting $2,000. Now this isn’t a handout Jerry — the money they get will be based on how often they vote. Hopefully, that’ll help balance the power up there in Richmond.
Now, as Michael J. Fox once said, “It’s either the bullet or the ballot box.” What I might propose to you will sound radical, but it’s freedom we’re talking about!
I am about to announce the Newborn Protection Act. The idea is, when a baby is born in the Great State of West Virginia, we will issue the child an AR-15. Now, I know and you know a baby can’t fire an AR-15. I tried it when my own kids were born. They just ain’t good shots. The point is, it will have a twofold effect. First, it will make the population rise, because who wouldn’t turn down a free gun? Second, it will give every WV household access to a free gun. That will come in handy when we try to invade Virginia.
By giving babies guns, it will really be the parents handling them. Sales at local gun stores will go up too, because when a new one is on the way, they’re going to have to buy bullets, gun safes, and cleaning kits along with cribs and rattles. It will cause an economic boom bigger than coal, by golly. And it will sufficiently arm our population. While Democrats take y’all’s guns, we’re gonna have more.
I don’t know if you know this, but 73 years ago, Shoney’s was founded in the Great State of WV. They had their headquarters here in Charleston for years. We don’t hold that against them — I’m sure they got a better tax rate down there. Either way, my Secretary of State has been telling me if we can get a hold of corporate, we can pitch them the idea of moving back to West Virginia by giving them a tax break for the next 50 years. In exchange, they will have to build armories in all their Virginia locations.
All the West Virginians who moved to Virginia will show their birth certificates to the manager of their nearest Shoney’s location and receive an AR-15 with the purchase of the buffet — excluding the gastric bypass discount, of course. This will allow us to build what the historians call a “Fifth Column” inside the Commonwealth of Virginia. We still haven’t gotten a hold of corporate, but I’m hoping the email I sent them last night will be answered by the end of the week.
Of course, you know our state has been struggling with a hell of a drug problem. So to kill two birds with one bone, as the saying goes, we will relax the standards for folks to join the West Virginia National Guard. We’ll take anyone over 18 years of age, regardless of their drug problem. Hopefully the military will get them clean, but if they don’t, the guard will offer methadone and such to the troops. I’m no dummy, Jerry — free drugs will swell the ranks.
You know what coach Red Beaulieu once said don’t you?
“The only thing better than a crawfish dinner is five crawfish dinners.”
The whole time we’re making these preparations, I’m going to be holding press conferences and inviting Virginia counties to come on over. Heck, Jerry, I might even deliver a silver platter of bull poop to Richmond this year.
When the time is right, we’ll hold “training exercises” on the border to coincide with a “West Virginian Appreciation Day” special at Shoney’s. Our forces will cross the border and our West Virginians behind the lines will take over key points inside Virginia. We expect the counties along the border to fold pretty quick, but Richmond is going to send forces to push back. Hopefully by this stage, the Virginia Communist-wealth will have disarmed its population so much, they won’t be able to fight. They out number us, though, so we’re going to need to recruit from native born Virginians to replenish and grow our ranks.
My daddy used to say, the only thing better than one pepperoni roll is five pepperoni rolls. Once we take Virginia, there’s gonna be a lot more pepperoni rolls.
The only strategic issue I see here, Jerry, is if we end up taking Richmond, we can push to the coast. Now, if we end up taking all of Virginia, are we still West Virginia? Or will we be Virginia? See, we have to leave at least a couple counties — maybe Fairfax and Loudon, because who likes them assholes? Or we could leave Northampton and Accomack because I just looked it up on Wikipedia and it turns out, there’s two counties that aren’t even attached to Virginia. Hell, if I didn’t know about them, then nobody does — I hope it ain’t some hoax or something. If it’s true there’s two counties on the other side of the Chesapeake Bay, then we can leave them, call it Virginia and we can still be West Virginia. What do you think about that Jerry?
But that’s putting the fart before the horse, like my daddy used to say.
Before we can get anything off the ground, I’m going to need you to get me a conference call with God. See, I’m a God-fearing man, but I ain’t ever talked to him one on one, you know? I heard you have a one-way line, so I figured I could run it by him and see what he thinks. We all know God is pro-gun, but I’m not sure how he’d feel about a war, you know? If you can’t get God on the line, maybe you can talk to Paul Robinson with the 700 Club. He’s a Virginian too. Maybe the two of you can get together and work something out with the Man Upstairs.
If that doesn’t work out, I’ll settle for Pazuzu from that Exorcist show. I know you shouldn’t make a deal with the Devil, but one of my advisers just looked him up on Wikipedia and told me he ain’t Satan himself or anything.
Anyways, God Bless and all that. My blood sugar is getting low, so I’m going to eat a hot dog.
FROM: The Office of the President, Liberty University
TO: Jim Justice, Governor of West Virginia
Date: February 3, 2020
RE: Operation Virginia Ham
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