The Haint’s Thanksgiving Survival Guide

BY IAN WOODE

For some folks, Thanksgiving is like a Norman Rockwell painting: Me-Maw Prichard slaves all morning peeling potatoes and roasting a turkey, while Uncle Patterson quietly smokes his pipe and watches the young bucks toss a football back and forth in the front yard. Around 3 PM, the family gathers around the table, prays, and digs in, communing in fellowship and food.

For other folks, Thanksgiving is fucking Thunderdome. Aunt Lonnie is not about to take your dad’s shit about voting for Clinton back in ’16, and if your Cousin George keeps going out to his truck for a nip of Jim Beam, the holiday is liable to end with a domestic call.

Sadly, for other folks, Thanksgiving doesn’t mean family at all. Whether due to drug addiction or LGBTQ+ lifestyles, some folks are disowned — they’ve got no one for Thanksgiving. Hatred disguised as religion; indifference dolled up as “tough love.” It’s a sad truth that some folks are thrown away in our society. The holidays can exacerbate a loneliness too many know.

But no matter what boat you’re in, The Haint has you covered. Here’s a list of Do’s and Don’ts to getting you through Thanksgiving:

Don’t Go Snipe Hunting

What are you 12? Everyone knows Sniping Hunting is just some dirty trick to get your cousin lost in the woods for a few hours, looking for a fictitious creature. The little moron wanders the forest with a gun, keeping an eye out for something that never pops up, right?

Wrong.

Once upon a time, I was surfing couch-to-couch, living off about $20 a week. Being a heavy smoker, I did my fair share of snipe hunting. The technique is straight forward — make sure the cigarette butt is longer than 2 puffs’ worth. Clean off any dirt or sand and inspect for bite marks or lipstick. Be mindful of staining on the body of the cigarette; that indicates it’s been wet, and therefore will taste like ass.

The main take away here is simple: don’t fall for the trick. Swallow some pride and just bum a cigarette.

Do Go Real Hunting

It don’t matter what you’re blowing away — deer, squirrels, turkeys. Getting out in the woods with a gun requires a level of presence and awareness that matches the highest level of meditation. Sure it’s cold and you smell like piss, but if you do it right you feel like you’re actually a part of the forest.

Or maybe you’re just fucking drunk. Who knows?

If you bag something, I guarantee the little critter is going to be mighty tasty.

Don’t Talk Trucks

Are you trying to get shot? Listen, we all know your Cousin Jared has a small dick with that raised 2019 coal-rolling Dodge he’s got decked out with MAGA flags, but there’s no sense in saying it. C’mon, everyone knows the real contest is between Ford and Chevy.

Do Talk Politics

Cousin Jared is liable to start his shit and you gotta respond. Thanksgiving Dinner is not a forum for fascist propaganda. No need to get personal or nasty about it. Hold your ground. Make sure your Aunt Mauve signs a card for the IWW. Enlist your nieces and nephews for the Christmas Day Insurrection. Grandma will provide cookies for the People’s Revolutionary Council.

Do Take a Swig with Uncle Larry

Chances are, you’re getting a headache listening to the children scream and shout in the living room. As long as you’re not one of those people, like myself, who has to hang out with folks in church basements to keep from ruining your life with malt liquor, by all means join Uncle Larry on the back porch.

He has a pint stashed out there, and he needs help killing it.

Don’t Contribute to the Regional Opioid Epidemic

Cousin Rose keeps dipping into the bathroom, looking nervous. Here that rattling in there? She’s looking for Maw-Maw’s back pills. It’s easier to look the other way, but there’s no reason to put up with that bullshit. Thanksgiving is stressful enough without an overdose. Be prepared: bring your Narcan and put that training to good use.

Do Friendsgiving

Maybe you’ve been disowned, maybe you just don’t have the scratch to get home, but for whatever reason, you’re probably having Thanksgiving by yourself. Cancel that shit. Call up some buddies and have a Friendsgiving. Chances are, not everyone is heading home for the holiday. There’s no need to get lit and have Thanksgiving alone at a Denny’s.

Don’t Go Black Friday Shopping

For one, it’s a con. There will still be deals throughout December.

Two, it’s a fucking terrible excuse to get up early. If you have off work, sleep in for Christ’s sake.

Do Root Against the Cowboys

Seriously, fuck the Cowboys.