WV Governor Unleashed on State Capitol Grounds, Nursing Home Under Investigation

Michelle Hogmire
Jan 16, 2020 · 4 min read

Transcript: West Virginia State of the State Address

Presented By: Governor Jim Justice

Wednesday January 8, 2020

West Virginia State Capitol

Reported By: Michelle Hogmire

(Introduction: Could not hear due to squeaking of Crocs.)

Governor Justice: Now settle down, settle down y’all. They’ve got me wired up all over the place, so I think these mics might be picking up some juice from my Crocs. Can we fix that? No. Well, okay then.

First of all, I’d like to thank my family. My wife Mary, and our daughter Mary, and her husband Jim, and our daughter-in-law Mary, and our son Jim. One of those Jims I’m not too sure about, but I won’t tell you which one.

(APPLAUSE)

Tell you what I am sure about though, is Jim’s Dream. The state of West Virginia and Jim’s Dream. But before I go any further, I’d like to recognize our new Coal Czar Rimy Reginold, who I’m told is here tonight. I don’t know where. I don’t have a seating chart. Could you stand up, Rimy? There he is.

(APPLAUSE)

Yes, clap for Rimy, clap for Rimy. He’s bringing great things to the state. Great industry and great jobs. And great tourism! People are gonna come from all around to see the Strip Mine Mile, folks. So bring your kids and your wife down there and we’ll put ’em all to work.

And speaking of work, lemme tell you about Talladega Bodeef. Stand up, Mr. Bodeef. I can’t see you. Keep in mind I’ve had 10,000 cataract surgeries. Wave your arms and jump — there you are, Brother Talladega. Now, this man has a plan that will get West Virginia to Uranus. I don’t quite understand it myself, but he does, and soon we’re all gonna be working up there in a Greenbrier in the sky. Here’s a chart of the plan. I tell you what, I’m ready to throw millions at this thing, what do y’all think?

Lottery for the rocket to the Uranus work camp coming soon! (Photo Credit: https://governor.wv.gov/)

(APPLAUSE)

We’ve also got with us here tonight, we’ve got my favorite West Virginia teacher, Mrs. Jeanine “Sleepy” O’Hallahan. Now, I know what you’re thinking: that’s a female. But this female, while the others were in my office not teaching, Sister Sleepy was showing all the kids who couldn’t go to school how to shoot. I mean, she was teaching these kids how to stand their ground against an intruder, on her own time! Now that’s a woman. That’s a teacher. You can have as much PEIA as you want, Sleepy. That’s right.

(APPLAUSE)

Now I know what you’re thinking: Jim’s just gonna keep thanking more people and talking forever. And you’re right. You’re right. There are just so many people to thank. There’s Travis McConkle. He fell down twenty flights of stairs earlier today, but he’s still here, even though we took away his health insurance. Unbelievable, Travis, I won’t even ask you to stand. And over here, we’ve got Johnny Johnhart. Brother Johnny has spent 542 lifetimes working for the state. He’s brought us over a trillion jobs and infinity revenue. I mean, literally, it’s infinity money. You can’t even comprehend this much money.

And I haven’t even mentioned David Newt. Now David’s been out there running the Anti-Sanctuary City campaign. And y’all know how I feel about that. Love me or hate me, West Virginia is no place for sanctuary. That’s just a fact. “NO SANCTUARY! NO SANCTUARY!” Isn’t that from a movie or something? Does anybody know? Oh well. Anyway, David’s been camping out in the middle of the I-81 construction for the last 78 years. I mean, that’s unbelievable. That’s impressive. Give it up for David.

(APPLAUSE)

Okay, now we’ve got to it. This is a real hero here. And it’s a female again — a female! So you know, no one can say I don’t appreciate the ladies. If there’s one thing I stand for, well besides the second amendment, it’s the unborn. I love the unborn. They should have more rights than the born. That’s right I said it. So here we’ve got Laura Butts. Laura, sorry to ask, but could you stand up? I just want everyone to see. Now, look there, Laura is pregnant. She’s a vessel for the unborn. That’s sacred, folks. Not only that, but Laura has already pledged her unborn child to fight in the future War with Iran. She’s done that, y’all. We can do that now, and she’s done it!

(APPLAUSE)

Now, next —

[7 DAYS LATER]

Okay, I think that’s finally everybody. Is that all of them? Oh well. Now it’s time to talk about me.

(Sleepy fires off a celebratory round into the capitol ceiling)

(APPLAUSE)

Preparing for the inevitable culling of the proles (Photo Credit: https://governor.wv.gov/)