10 Ways To Feel Good About The End Of The World

by Alexandra Molotkow

four

The world as we know it is definitely ending right now, and there’s nothing you or I can do about it, so you have to change your attitude. Here are some ways to feel good even though everything you love is rotting:

1. Work on your singing voice! Watch YouTube tutorials, nail those breathing techniques, develop your head voice, expand your range. Soon enough our bodies will be all we have for entertainment, and a box of condoms will put you back two cows and a chainsaw, or a baby.

2. Stock up on Werther’s Originals. Technically they do expire, but that just means they’ll get a bit sticky, and guess what? Unwrapping candy is an activity! You’ll need activities. In the future, your feeding priorities will center on nutrient optimization, so plenty of locusts and cockroaches (be careful about that), pine needle tea, and slurries of pulverized trees on which mold and bacteria have been cultivated. Caramel candies will seem like a dream, and you’ll be able to barter them for things like batteries and scissors.

3. You will meet all sorts of people you would never get to know in this life. All the old social barriers will have crumpled like the Pacific Northwest, and there will be many new interests to connect over such as weaponry, false hopes, and theories about What Happened.

4. More expedient border crossings (before the roadblocks begin).

5. You’ll finally get to feel as though you’re participating in a significant historic event.*

6. The whole world will feel like a Tinker Toy set, or a K’Nex set, if that’s your jam, I don’t judge. There will be no limit to what you can take and hoard and combine with other junk, as long as you’ve bartered your Werther’s wisely and optimized your defense apparatus.

7. Your precious creativity will finally yield something useful, because there will be no limit to the number of games you can invent or update, from Bone Lacrosse to Kick the Can 2025, and everyone will definitely want to play because what else can they do but lie in the dirt and suffer.

8. On that note: memetic free market means your New Faith could really catch on.

9. Why assume the worst of AI? Maybe robots will keep us around as lapdogs and wouldn’t you rather be a lapdog than a human being, nevermind a human being in a nuclear winter, or a winter winter following the near total annihilation of your continent’s infrastructure. Besides, being entombed in a concrete coffin on a heroin drip doesn’t sound that bad, in fact I have had that very stress fantasy.

10. We’ll always have The Simpsons.

*h/t Stephen Thomas