15 Lesser-Known Things To Say To A Dress

Jay Ludlow Martin
The Hairpin
Published in
2 min readJun 17, 2014


by Laura Jayne Martin


1. “Can I put jeans under you?”

2. “How come I can’t be the ring bearer?”

3. “Why don’t you have any pockets?”

4. “I look like when people clothe their pets.”

5. “Of course, my legs feel pleasantly unfettered — which is really just one more cruel betrayal. Stop trying to worm your way into my heart, you silky sonofabitch. Everything about this feels forced and unnatural. But perhaps that’s the idea — maybe the secret no one tells is that you have to force yourself. Maybe I can learn to love you?”

6. “You were the wrong thing to wear to the first day of junior high.”

7. “Every shimmer, every time this al dente spaghetti strap fails to maintain its position, every restricted breath I take, hardens me against you.”

8. “Despite my love for dancing, my friends, and the entire concept and execution of the theme “Time After Time” — I don’t want to be at this prom. Well I do, just not with you. I’m sorry; I know that’s mean. I don’ t want to hurt you, but also you technically don’t have the ability to feel emotions because you’re just a piece of clothing.”

9. “You never listen to me.”

10. “That is an unreasonable place to put a zipper.”

11. “It’s not you, it’s me. Well, it’s also the fact that you’re not an impeccably tailored three-piece suit. Let’s just say we’re not really looking for the same thing.”

12. “Whatever, everyone wants us to be together. I’m tired of fighting, just come here.”

13. “It’s freezing. Please stop exposing so much of my skin. I feel like you’re doing this on purpose. It’s at least a little passive-aggressive. Your fabric is so sheer! What are you even made of, whispers?”

14. “You’ve made me feel like an impostor for too long.”

15. “No.”

Previously: 12 Lesser-Known Scented Candles

Laura Jayne Martin lives and writes in New York City. She tweets @laurajaynemart.



Jay Ludlow Martin
The Hairpin

Editor of Human Parts. Writer based in Manhattan. Gay Trans Pizza. Author: Death by Nostalgia (2018) and my own misfortune.