A to Z: Cute Animal Videos I’m Still Waiting On

by Molly Pohlig

Alpacas: Eating stacks of Fig Newtons that equal them in height.

Boa constrictor: That ginormous snake that can open doors can tip off a gigantic falling domino course.

Capybaras: This requires two capybaras — a big one to be dressed as a nurse, and a little one to be dressed as a Victorian baby being pushed by the other in an enormous perambulator.

Dolphins: Redo that Qream qommercial, but replace every human in it with a dolphin.

Elephants: Splashing around in an immense pond that has been filled with Nutella. Can you imagine the delight?

Flapjack octopus: Put a bunch into a tub, along with a very fat human baby in one of those little inflatable rings you sometimes see in Japanese YouTube videos.

Goats: You would be hard-pressed to out-cute Frostie and his goat-kart, but you might be able to if you outfitted an entire flock of kids with tap shoes.

Hedgehogs: Ambling about a room, being lazily chased by a squad of Yoshitomo Nara Little Wanderer dolls.

Ibex: A male with wondrous curly horns will have them decorated with Christmas lights and dash around in an Alpine scene while the soundtrack plays “We Need a Little Christmas.”

Jellyfish: We will lay out a children’s tea set on the bottom of an aquarium tank, put in some lovely moon jellyfish, and see if they feel like having a tea party.

Kangaroos: With joeys in their pouches, wearing nurse hats, hopping around in a nursery filled with human babies in communal cribs.

Lambs: Wearing Nordic-patterned sweaters, Nordic-patterned hats, and Nordic-patterned slippers.

Meerkats: In a miniature classroom setting, they’re all wearing glasses and 1950s outfits and standing by the blackboard. Dub in the voices of grownups from “Peanuts.”

Narwhals: Riding one of those French carousels where you win if you get the hoops with your stick. They’d win all the prizes.

Ostriches: After a while of just burying their heads in the sand, they pop up with Cadbury Creme Eggs clenched in their beaks.

Platypus: I’m going to need one of those sweet, dopey, slow-moving baby chimpanzees, and the platypus is going to feed him tapioca pudding using his bill as the spoon.

Quetzal: Yes, I had to look these up. They are beautiful and brightly colored, and I would like to see a whole flock of them getting their hair-trimmed in an old-fashioned barber shop.

Rhinoceros: A baby rhinoceros trying to eat a cheesecake off his horn.

Swans: This requires cygnets (maybe they’re nicer than the notoriously grumpy adults?) to be dressed in tiny tutus and headdresses, swimming in a tiny lake, of course, to “Swan Lake.”

Turtles: Dressed in lop-eared rabbit suits, slowly, quietly noshing on carrot cake. Lots of frosting.

U: Wikipedia says there are no animals that start with u.

Vultures: They get such a bad rep. Let’s rehabilitate them by filming some in a gorgeous array of costume jewelry.

Wombats: In onesies, being bottle-fed by koalas, while they all sit in rocking chairs.

X: See U.

Yak: It would need to be a very patient yak, standing calmly while a Tibetan woman spins yarn directly from his back.

Zebras: A Punk’d-style bit in which one zebra in a zoo gets painted all black, then introduced back into the group. Will they recognize him? Hilarity ensues when the paint gets washed off.

Previously: A Curated Selection of Wonderfully Gruesome Sentences from Wikipedia

Photo via smb_flickr/flickr.

Molly Pohlig lives in Brooklyn and works in publishing. She is currently tweeting her way through Proust, all seven volumes, at @poppycockltd.