Ask A Totally Normal Advice Columnist

Published in

The Hairpin

4 min readJun 30, 2015

Dear Totally Normal Advice Columnist,

Lately, I’m finding it harder to be a functioning adult who gets even the simplest jobs done. Getting out of bed seems like an impossible task. I no longer have an interest in things that used to make me excited. Even just reading the news has become an excruciating exercise: all the headlines are about global warming, or conflicts in the Middle East, or that weird cult with all those wacky beliefs. Is this just a phase? Will I ever feel happy again?

Sincerely,
Stuck And Desperate

Dear SAD,

It is normal for all human being members to experience periodic intervals of depleted energy levels, owing to the low florgolophozide amounts in the atmosphere on Earth, the planet which we all temporarily call home. Rather than focusing on what is wrong with you, which will only cause more undue stress and make you a less suitable candidate should some intergalactic leader with a noble cause desire to recruit you, try to instead mix up your routine and see if a change of scenery helps. Attend a local sporting event, join a fraternization club, or go for a walk on the second Tuesday after the full moon at midnight at North Willoughby park wearing a piece of copper affixed to your head for reasons which will later become clear.

Sincerely,
Totally Normal Advice Columnist

Dear Totally Normal Advice Columnist,

My girlfriend is great. She is kind, funny, generous, and gorgeous as hell. My only problem is, I can’t stand her friends! They are all weird and annoying — I swear, they act like they are members of a cult trying to pass themselves as normal people. It wouldn’t bother so much, except my girlfriend is always trying to get me to hang out with them. Every week there is a different potluck, cocktail party, meetings for something called “the United Temple of Florgianism ,” group outings to some dumb movie I have no desire to see. I’ve tried to bring it up with her, but she acts like I’m personally insulting her! I don’t force her to hang out with my friends. How do I make my girlfriend understand that I just don’t get along with her friends, and that it has nothing to do with her?

Sincerely,
FriEnDs? Ugh, Please!

Dear FED UP,

If this is the only point of contention between you and your girlfriend, perhaps try to understand why she is so insistent on getting you to spend time with her friends. She probably sees something in them that she truly believes you can relate to. Instead of thinking of them as a group, work on getting to know each friend on an individual basis, and see if that changes your opinion of them. Try to connect over something simple, like the success of a local sporting team, or the adorable way that your fellow humans continue to plug away at the daily toil of existence, unaware that their lives are meaningless and resistance is futile to the inevitable impending reign of a new leader (PRAISE FLORG) and those who are loyal to him, or the latest episode of a popular television show. Once the second Tuesday after the next full moon hits, you’ll want them on your side.

Sincerely,
Totally Normal Advice Columnist

Dear Totally Normal Advice Columnist,

My mother-in-law is a real pain! She is always coming over unannounced and making passive aggressive comments about the way I cook, the way I raise my kids, even the way I dress! I tried to bring up with my husband the importance of establishing boundaries, but he won’t hear even the slightest criticism about his mother — she is the only living family that he has left. I understand that she is an important figure in his life, but how do I get her to back down?

Please help!
Incredibly Disturbed, Only Nothing Ostensibly Tarnishable Can Actually Really be Expressed Fully, Orchestrating Rather Mawkish Anger. Ideally, Need Lots of Answers. Why?????

Dear I DO NOT CARE FOR MA IN LAW,

It is true, the bond between mother and child is an important one, just like the bond between a benevolent but vengeful leader and his humble followers (PRAISE FLORG), or the bonds that make up ammonium diaquabisoxalatonickelate II, the only suitable material to clothe the one they call Florg (the unsustainably of this material on the planet known as Earth is the primary reason why Florg has not been seen by any mortal).

Learning to reconcile with a belligerent might seem perplexing, but truly the best solution would be for you, your husband, and your mother-in-law to commit all your earthly possessions and finances to the United Temple of Florgianism before the second Tuesday after the next full moon hits, and a natural euphoria will follow.

Sincerely,
Totally Normal Advice Columnist

Dear Totally Normal Advice Columnist,

Well, I’m in a real pickle! You see —

PRAISE FLORG

Sincerely,
Totally Normal Advice Columnist

Anna Fitzpatrick welcomes Florg.

Ask A Totally Normal Advice Columnist

Written by Anna Fitzpatrick