Bass Is Base, “Funkmobile”

by Alexandra Molotkow

I’m back in Canada for a few weeks. Here’s what happens when you arrive in Canada:

- The bank replaces your money with twice as much money. The bills are Easter-colored and rubbery and will not stay put in your wallet, but there is a woman on the twenty (someone’s mother-in-law).

- Assorted personnel say “Hi, hayadooin’?,” and when you thank them for doing whatever it is they’re doing — as you should; the only other appropriate greetings in Canada are “thank you” and “sorry” — they say “thank you” instead of “yup.”

- Outside you notice an eerie lack of dread in the air, which smells like a neutral shrug.

- Curbside, a bearded flautist directs you to these friendly cats*, who are happy to drop you off wherever.

*The man on the far right is Canadian celebrity chef Roger Mooking.