Best D.C. Metro Stations to Name a Baby After
by Jess Zimmerman
DC Metro police are reporting that a baby boy was born this morning on the platform at L’Enfant Plaza, which is really not the station I would have chosen, personally. It might not be the worst Metro platform to give birth on — it’s inside, at least, and it’s on a lot of different lines so it’s easy to get home? — but half the fun of giving birth on a Metro platform is being able to name your child after the station, a la Paddington or Fenchurch. “L’Enfant” is a terrible name, in addition to being way too on the nose. If you find yourself extremely pregnant and you too want to get in on the Metro-baby fad, try riding around until you land on one of the following D.C. stations.
For girls:
Cheverly: This is the clear winner. It’s easy enough to spell, and euphonious, and she’ll be the only one in her classs. The station is a little isolated, but Cheverly itself is one of those friendly everyone-in-town-is-invited-to-the-Halloween-party-at-the-rec-center burgs, so that’s a bonus.
Vienna: In college she will start telling people she’s named after the Austrian city, but that’s fine, as it’s a good city with lots of cake.
Franconia-Springfield: She will grow up to be a quirky YA-novel type who makes her own clothes and has dark, untamed waist-length hair.
Anacostia: This one is only available to people who are not DC natives but who happen to give birth on a Metro platform while visiting the city on a family vacation or school trip (we don’t judge). Otherwise you run the risk of being that urban legend mom who names her kid “Chlamydia” because she thinks it’s pretty but doesn’t know what it means.
Georgia Avenue: As long as she doesn’t tell people her middle name, nobody would ever know she is named after a Metro station, which is probably good if you don’t want her friends to be thinking too hard about the circumstances of her birth. But of course you actually do, or you wouldn’t be trying to give birth in the subway.
Bethesda: You can also use this one if you give birth at that fountain in Central Park.
Columbia Heights: Columbia Heights is a paragon of gentrification that gives a lot of long-time DC natives vertigo — not too long ago, it was low-income and dangerous, and now it’s wall-to-wall wine bars. But that’s not a terrible personal narrative to wish on your child. Plus, she would share her name with a Rocky Horror Picture Show character and an Ivy League school.
Takoma: Takoma is not a very good name for a girl baby, but I like it because I grew up there. We had a town rooster and when he died we built him a statue.
For boys:
Addison Road: This used to be the terminus of the Blue Line, and on the rare occasions I rode that line Gin Blossoms got stuck in my head every single time. But it’s very on-trend, and you could give birth at Addison Road even if you’re not sure whether you’re having a boy or a girl. On the flip side, the one time I got off at Addison Road the buses weren’t running and I had to hitchhike to Largo. Don’t name your baby “Largo.”
Braddock Road: “Braddock” seems like he would grow up to be douchey, but his weird middle name might keep him humble.
Huntington: There’s a fad for giving boy babies last names as first names, and little Huntington would fit right in.
Woodley Park: “Woodley” is a good name for a kid and “Park” is a great one, so he could choose to go by his middle name when he wants to reinvent himself in college.
Cleveland Park: Cleveland Park is marginally more interesting than Woodley Park, since after you give birth you could choose to go to the zoo OR to the Uptown, which is a movie theater with a two-story screen. However, “Cleveland” is a marginally worse name than “Woodley,” so it’s really about whether you want to privilege your post-birth entertainment options or your child’s future.
Forest Glen: He can be a Forest, he can be a Glen. Forest Glen is also home to a creepy castle that used to be part of Walter Reed, was abandoned, and now exists merely to make me wee myself.
Grosvenor: Also goes with the last-name-as-first-name trend, except nobody would be able to pronounce it, which is a point against. (It’s “grove-ner.”)
Ronald Reagan National Airport: “Imagine the first day of school: “What’s your name?” “Ronald.” And what’s your middle name?” “Reagan National Airport.” (The “only” problem here is that DC native Democrats refuse to call this airport or station anything but “National.”)
Morgan Boulevard: “Morgan” is a lovely name for both boys and girls, but is out of the running because this isn’t a real Metro station. Real Metro stations are defined as ones that existed before 1997.
Honorable mention:
Shady Grove: I used to have a friend who forbade me to tell him what Shady Grove is like (it’s pretty meh) because he wanted to envision it as a kind of Elfquest forest.
Crystal City: This one is also much, much better in theory than in practice. It’s one of those Northern Virginia towns that is basically a giant Olive Garden. But it sounds like Oz!
Dunn Loring: It sounds like an Irish village that only exists once every hundred years.
Stay away from these stations if you are pregnant:
Foggy Bottom
Medical Center
Prince George’s Plaza
Ballston
Previously: A Guide to Eating Very Particular Feelings, Part II
Photo via timtom/flickr.
Jess Zimmerman lived in or next to DC for 97 percent of her life so far. She tweets a lot about feminism and dogs and stuff at @j_zimms.
