Brüd, A Luxury Wellness Retreat For Post-Fertile Chickens

Because you are so much more than just your eggs.

Image: faungg

It takes someone special to recognize a squawk from a backaw, am I right? What you need — and stop me if you’ve heard this before — is someone who really sees you as the unique fowl you are. Someone who understands your suffering — understands that you are so much more than the eggs you hatch.

Or, hatched.

In a less enlightened time, being unable to lay meant a swift the end of the road, a cruel punishment for years of bounty. But now, hens like you can have it all. Because of Heninism. And because you can have it all, why are you stopping yourself from having just that? It’s not your fault, I mean not completely, but you should really take a look inside yourself to start living your best life before it’s too late.

And now you have the chance to.

Hi. I’m Jenny, and I know what you’re thinking. Isn’t Jenny a human name? Is Jenny, perhaps, a human being? Yes. It’s possible. You’ll never know since this is only an online brochure and I don’t like to be photographed. But one thing you can be sure of is: this brochure, and also I, Jenny, and also we, Brüd, are here to unlock your true potential and release the inner You inside of, well, you.

At our three-day retreat, also called Brüd, named after our company, Brüd, you’ll probably become completely enlightened. You know how I know that? Because I’m completely enlightened and I’m in charge of it. For an extremely reasonable fee of $1200, you can have all of this spiritual bounty and more (on a first come-first-serve basis):

• SOUND BATH — Unlike a real bath, this one’s with sounds. You’ll like it I think. Online certified sound therapy practitioner and my actual sister, Marie, invites you to listen to sounds that come from bowls. It might make your quarks feel calm, and if it doesn’t at least you’ll definitely hear some very nice sounds.
• CRYSTAL THERAPY — Our resident shaman/crystal expert (me, hello again) will give you a crystal, or something that looks like a crystal. You won’t be able to tell the difference.
• HEN-NA — Get it?
• MOTIVATIONAL TALKS — To get you inspired, of course. We don’t have the lineup yet, but they’ll likely be given by other hens, who are just like you but more self-actualized and inspiring and generally better in every way. Prettier too. Panels, keynote speeches, etcetera. It will change your life I’m sure, and motivate you. Motivate you to do what, you ask? You’ll have to pay us and show up to find out.
• MANICURES! — Do chickens even have fingernails? Probably. No matter what, it will be non-toxic.
• TOXIN REMOVAL — We’ll get those toxins right out! It won’t even hurt that bad.
• AND SOME OTHER EXCITING THINGS TOO!!!!!!—I, Jenny, and also we, Brüd, can’t wait to learn and grow together. Let’s get you out of that cage. The cage of your own making. But also your regular cage. Let’s get you You-ed.

**By signing up for this retreat you agree to have your photo appear in the marketing materials of our partners Payne Poultry, especially the photos that make it look like you are enjoying yourself.

**We cannot be held legally responsible for the murder that might occur by our partners at Payne Poultry at the end of this retreat. Please don’t be mad at us.

Annah Feinberg is a writer in LA whose alter egos exist in cartoon form.