Declare Everything When You Enter Australia

Dear Australian Government Department of Agriculture and Water Resources:

I would like to declare the following items in my “luggage,” or “baggage” or “upside-down luggage,” as perhaps you call it here.

• Definitely no pets. I’m allergic. (Does this Angora sweater count?)
• My travel pillow, Pee-lo (“I guess the fear when I’m packing/wasn’t enough I might/forGET you-uuu”)
• Not enough underwear for a nine-day trip.
• A thing of Neutrogena Sensitive Skin Sunblock Face Lotion, partially exploded.
• A blister pack half-full of AZO tablets.
• Not the correct number of bikini bottoms for the number of tops I brought because I prefer to vary patterns up top while rotating among flattering solids.
• A sock I thought I had lost in the laundry but was actually in this suitcase that whole time.
• A pair of “boyfriend jeans” that I never wash because they’re more comfortable that way but they have a stain on them that I swear to God is chocolate ice cream and not anything else.
• Texts from my ex-boyfriend that I will never delete off my phone and you can’t make me.
• Saul, my pet salamander.
• Fuck, I forgot toothpaste.

Listen to Johnny Depp. Stay out of jail — make a viral video instead! The joke’s on us because no one will ever violate the Gold Coast’s quarantine laws ever again.