Drinkspire: A New Product
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Life is a battle. Democrat vs. Republican, believers in science vs. people who think chicken stock cures tooth decay, people who will yell at other people for eating almonds because of the drought vs. people who are like, “Yes, I know, I read it too, I’m eating them anyway, fuck off.” That’s why we created Drinkspire. You wear Drinkspire on your bra or waistband. It senses how you’re feeling, and helps you — the wretched, the wronged party, the merely mildly irritated or fatigued — make decisions about how badly you need a drink.
Drinkspire empowers you to get clear on the level of consciousness you can reasonably inhabit given the status of your relationships, finances, and general sense of well-being. Put simply, Drinkspire helps you feel your feelings and then figure out how and when to stop feeling them.
Drinkspire is easy to use. Our exclusive algorithm is backed by weeks of research and machine learning and also people learning. It involved asking hundreds of participants — we were going to ask thousands of people but then we were like, ‘no, we get it’ — honest questions about their lives. We got honest answers. About careers, about families, about relationships. We pored over the data to determine which occasions, emotional quandaries and stressors might lead people to want a drink. A number from 1–10 was assigned for each possible situation, one being “certain to never inspire a desire to have a drink” and 10 being “will definitely inspire a desire to have a drink.”
Drinkspire is smart. It measures your breathing and how many times you’ve Googled things like “how do I know if I have a hernia”, “what’s this thing on my bra” and “bar near me” to determine the correct number corresponding to your situation (No situation registers less than a seven). It automatically enters this number, then automatically calculates your heart rate and enters this as well. There’s an optional sensory pad for measuring saliva acidity. (Normal saliva acidity is generally between a pH 6.5 and 7.5 — also the range experts point to as the most optimal for having a drink.) Then you answer a few more questions about your immediate environment — Do you have children? Did you see them today? Do your neighbors live next door to you? Do you feel like an idiot sometimes? Do you feel like an idiot right now? — and then it gives you a simple yes or no answer as to whether right now is the right time for a drink.
People all over the word are using Drinkspire to feel happier, be more pleasant company, and increase their tolerance for disappointment. As of today over 50 million healing drinks have already been administered to Drinkspire users.
Drinkspire shows you that it is indeed possible to tell the difference between reasons to have a drink and things merely masquerading as reasons. It also learns with you, so that over time, you will develop unprecedented clarity about whether you even care to make these distinctions.
If you’re ready to take the guesswork out of one of life’s most common decisions, you’re ready for Drinkspire.
Drinkspire comes with exclusive meditations guided by Spuds Mackenzie and the Dos Equis meme guy.
Testimonials:
Lynn, 35
Having four kids had me automatically reaching for the Yellowtail Chardonnnay every single night. After a week of using Drinkspire I realized I needed to start drinking Bourbon. I now detach from reality right away, instead of sitting around waiting for fifteen minutes.
Bob, 65
At the end of the day, I used to be like, Do I really need a drink? Drinkspire is like duuuuuuuuhhhhhhh which is awesome.
Ash, 27
Not only have I learned a lot about whether I need a drink, I have learned a lot about my emotions and how quickly they respond to alcohol. I actually feel like Drinkspire is a friend.
