How to Care for Your Ficus

In nine steps.

Have you purchased a ficus? Wonderful. A ficus is a lovely plant to have in a home or work space. Here’s what to do now:

1. Last Rites

Plan a visit with your ficus’s priest so he may administer last rites. (Penance, Anointing of the Sick, and Viaticum.)

2. Discuss Your Ficus’s Wishes

What type of burial does your ficus want? Does your ficus want to be cremated? You may want to remind your ficus that cremation is OK now.

3. Make Arrangements With a Funeral Director and a Ficus Cemeterian

The funeral director will send a car to transport the ficus to the funeral home.

4. Remember All The Nice Times You Had

Buying your ficus, deciding where to put your ficus, looking at your ficus and thinking, “It’s really going to be nice to have a ficus.”

5. Did Your Apartment Just Get Too Hot?


6. Plan a Viewing

Add fake leaves to make the ficus look a little fuller.

7. Provide an Obituary to Your Local Paper

“Ficus is survived by its killer,” you can say.

8. Funeral and Burial

By the sweat of your leaves
 you will eat your plant food
until you return to the ground,
 since from it you were taken by the Gowanus Lowe’s;
for dust you are
 and to dust you will return.

9. Acceptance

Maybe it was already dying when you bought it? But probably not. But maybe.

The End

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