How To Wear The Same Dress To Two Fancy Events With The Same Attendees: Twenty Easy Steps
1. Buy a dress. You didn’t mean to buy a dress, but you were walking by a nice store and you decided to just do a brief peruse and lo and behold there was a nice black dress hanging right by the front door and when you touched it the material was good and when you tried it on the shape was excellent and when you paid for it you barely felt any guilt because it was unplanned, yes, but it was priced appropriately and a reasonable expense for the wedding you knew you were going to have to attend in June and you knew it would look good with your new bra and the shoes you couldn’t walk in and so the dress is yours and you can take it home now.
2. Send a photo of the dress to the bride via Instagram DM. It doesn’t seem to be working properly; put your phone down, go back to try again, see that Instagram sent duplicates of the same photo. “So nice I had to send it twice ha ha ha” you comment. The bride approves.
3. Get invited to another event the night before the June wedding. You will be seated with people who are also attending the wedding. Send many text messages that are variations of yo are you wearing the same thing to both things and collect responses: some people say yes, some people say yes but, some people say no. You are torn.
4. Turn wearing the same dress two nights in a row into a political crusade. We’re all going to the same fancy parties and everyone is getting married like it’s a fucking game of dominoes one after the other we should all just accept it and stop spending all our money on different outfits!!! Everyone nods in agreement and changes the topic.
5. Buy a second dress.
6. Second dress was an online impulse buy. Second dress sits at post office for a long time before you can pick it up. On your way back from the post office you walk past a girl with the brightest pink hair you’ve ever seen and you briefly wonder if it is a wig and if not if she realizes how impressive that shade is.
7. Second dress is brought home and abandoned while you clean the house, write emails, blast the same song on repeat. “Oh right,” you think several hours later, “I should try on second dress!”
8. Second dress is the best item of clothing you have ever put on your body. Second dress fits like it was designed specifically for you. Second dress was clearly forged by some forgiving angels to right all the wrongs in your life. Second dress makes your tits more symmetrical and lifts your butt by approximately 2.4 inches and seems to have flattened your stomach. Second dress, you decide, will never be taken off.
9. Decide to wear second dress to both events.
10. Attend first event. It is pouring rain when you get in the cab, just spitting a little by the time you arrive; your heels are treacherous over the mud and cement and gravel but you didn’t want to make the cab driver turn around so you just cross the intersection very slowly, careful not to let the flecks of mud that are flying up from the wheels of cars hit your hem. A man jogs by and nods appreciatively. You feel great. Everyone tells you how great you look. This dress was such a good choice.
11. Sneak outside for a cigarette. Look around, distracted, and turn your attention back just in time to see the grey ash crumble and skid down your thigh, leaving a slight film that won’t brush off. Sneak back inside and put your water glass on your thigh, trying to take advantage of the leftover ice, and pour what’s left of your flask over it; when you put the glass back on the table you see the water ring left behind, but the material is good and the condensation beads right off of the fabric. Ask your friends repeatedly if they can see the outline of your Spanx through the dress; they reassure you they cannot. The Spanx is an integral part of this look.
12. Go to the afterparty. Wait there a long time; for what, you’re not quite sure. A friend offers you a sip of his drink and you spill on yourself, probably by accident. Watch the whiskey fall down the front of your dress. The condensation from the liquid isn’t quite beading off but you’re not really concerned about that anymore.
13. At the drug store the next morning you’re waiting for your friend to buy a bottle of Vitamin Water and you can’t find the Q-Tips so you just abandon the whole mission because even though you slept for a few hours it feels like your eyes are retreating back into your skull in protest, like hi how are we even open right now let’s just close real quick, and you notice that the French translation of one product is something like “Second Options” which strikes you as kind of funny and a bit of a theme for the entire weekend, one direction or choice versus another. Should I wear that other dress or you think but that’s the extent of the entire thought.
14. Hang up the dress after leaving it crumpled on the floor all night. Smell it once, twice, three times. I mean, whiskey smells good, so…you tell yourself.
14. Wash your Spanx.
15. Try on the original dress.
16. Put on the second dress. So nice you had to wear it twice.
17. Walk outside in the most beautiful natural light in the exact same outfit you wore the night before. A jogger jogs by and nods appreciatively; is it the same jogger or is that just a trick of the light? In the cab to the wedding you know you see the same girl with the bright pink hair walking by and are gratified when the cab slows down, as though the driver knows that this your chance to figure it out once and for all, and you see: it’s her real hair. The heels feel surprisingly comfortable today. Maybe your feet are adapting to them. You brought a pair of flats just in case that is also a trick of the light.
18. Some friends wear the same thing they wore the night before. Some friends wear different things. All friends swear they can’t smell any whiskey on you or see the outline of any Spanx.
19. You always had two options but you’re glad you only chose one.
20. Wear the dress with a different jacket! Try a different pair of earrings or a statement necklace! Wear one shade of lipstick to the first event and a different shade to the second! Wear a different pair of shoes to each event! It’s all about the accessories, girl!