In Defense of Dad

by Matt Lubchansky

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Kids,

It’s Mom. Last week, during my regular trip to the Big Y, I found myself checking Facebook while waiting on line for the check-out. (Jon, before you say anything, I know, the self-check is faster but that’s a little hectic, rush-rush for me. I like what I like and you need to be nice to me.) Once I was “logged on” I noticed that Michelle had posted what looked like a picture of the screen of her phone! I’m not sure how she did that, on purpose anyways, I feel like my entire photo roll is those darn things! The picture was of a text conversation with your Dad where he was trying to suggest some fun activities for your upcoming long weekend with your boyfriend in Charleston, which I thought was very nice! But what did Michelle write next to it? Nothing but, and I quote, “😑.”

Kids, this is unacceptable. It’s time to give your father a break. I’ve been seeing a lot of talk between you via the secret Twitter account I have to keep tabs on your adult lives, and it’s time you stop making fun of him! First, we should probably address the jokes. I see you making fun of them, and trust me, I know better than anyone that his jokes haven’t been funny for 25 years! I’ve been with your Dad a long time and humor has never been his strong suit, despite his constant “workshopping” on those poor, poor waitresses. But he’s trying really hard, guys, and have you thought about maybe humoring him? We can’t all be comedic geniuses like the girls at my weekly Mahjong game tell me I am. Last week, Roz laughed so hard she snorted! And her son is a part-time comedian in Denver! So she knows funny.

Second, I see every time that he tries to get everyone to come visit, all he gets is complaints from you ungrateful bunch. Excuse him for trying to bring everyone together! Sure, it’s generally a flimsy pretense to get you to clear out your old room so he can convert the space into the perfect Pickling Facility, but that doesn’t mean we also don’t want to see you!

Your Dad doesn’t know why you’re so angry, either. He’s a stubborn man, and didn’t have a great relationship with his Dad, and he’s trying! He just doesn’t know how to express himself, really. I think baseball starts soon. I can’t believe they’re still doing it every year. Don’t you get tired of watching the same sport? He mentioned to me that he wished one of you two would try to go to a game with him. I think that’ll be nice. Wouldn’t that be nice? He’d never tell you himself, but I think it’s time to cut that man some slack. He works so hard.

And would it kill you to call?

Love,

MOM


Dad Magazine: The Book is out next week — you can pre-order here.

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