Lessons from Jury Duty
Yesterday I served our country in the most tedious way possible: jury duty. I admit I’m a bit of a geek when it comes to justice and all that crap, and I’ve wanted to be summoned for jury duty since the moment I became eligible (lo those many years ago). Yesterday my civics dream finally came true at the Brooklyn Courthouse, and you know what? It was pretty fun, in the same way that slowly plucking out every hair on your body is fun. It was also highly educational, and I’d like to pass on the most important lessons I learned to you, my fellow citizens.
1) Jury duty is not a good place to meet people.
I don’t care if you’re into networking, friend-making, or love-making — you will find no valuable contacts in the giant juror lounge crammed full of Americans. The one exception to this rule is if you’re conducting a study and need to survey of a random group of people who are completely incapable of following even the most basic instructions, in which case: JACKPOT.
2) Be prepared to wait and wait and wait some more.
In the orientation video they show you at the beginning, they claim that jury duty isn’t just sitting around; it’s “performing an important civic function.” Let’s not kid ourselves. Come prepared with things to occupy the vast expanse of time that stretches out before you: books, iPhones, magazines, laptops, etc. Some people even used this time for personal grooming, fingernail clipping and the like. Or do what the guy who was sitting next to me did. Stare into space and jiggle your legs at a furious pace — for hours on end — which shakes the entire row of seats you’re sitting on and makes all your seatmates seasick. Really passes the time!
3) You can coordinate jury duty with your friends.
It never even occurred to me to do this! But it’s a real thing; I saw at least three instances of it. How did they arrange it? I have no idea — but you and your friends should try it, because sitting around all day with a bestie seems way more entertaining than sitting around alone. Another option is to convince a pal who doesn’t have jury duty to come hang out with you all day. There were several people who’d managed to do this! Talk about being a true friend. (Except in the case of one guy/pimp that was escorting a prospective juror who looked like an eastern European prostitute. That was more gross than friendly.)
4) Real life is not a “Law & Order” episode.
Apparently, TV shows have really affected people’s ideas about the American justice system, because you’ll repeatedly be told by various court officers that real trials are nothing like what you see on L&O. You don’t say? I got proof of this when I was “lucky” enough to be called in for jury selection on a case. Bo-ring! Words cannot describe how awful one of the lawyers was at his job — he was the polar opposite of Jack McCoy. By the end of the questioning, I was so annoyed by him that I was pretty sure I’d rule against his client no matter what. Bonus lesson: if you’re ever on trial, hire someone who does not speak at the speed of molasses to represent you.
5) Food is not the answer to your boredom.
I learned this the hard way. After a morning of sitting in a windowless room with no wifi, I was seriously hungry. I unwisely decided to treat myself to a Chipotle Burrito Bowl during our lunch hour. Afterward, I was stuffed but still wanted just a little something sweet. So I stopped off at CVS on the way back to the courthouse and got myself a bag of those tasty Cadbury Mini Eggs. (You know, the ones with the candy coating. Mmmmmm.) It was a little bribe to get myself to sit through the rest of the afternoon with the lawyer asking me questions. At first, I ate five or six eggs and thought I was done. But Mr. Lawyer just kepppt taaaaallkiiing liiikkkee thiiiiisss and I really thought I was going to lose my shit. I needed a distraction! So I worked with what I had and challenged myself to eat the whole bag of Mini Eggs. Why? Desperate times, etc. I popped them pretty consistently over the next 1.5 hours, and, yes, I ate the whole damn bag (50+ eggs)! Of course, then I faced the new, more awkward challenge of not vomiting all over my fellow jurors. I am nothing if not a champion, so I held it together and also managed to get dismissed from the jury. Now I’ve served my sentence, and I am excused from jury service for the next eight years — which is about the amount of time that’s going to have to pass before I’m ready to eat chocolate again.
God Bless America!
Photo via Flickr
