Pop-Tarts Are So Good That It Is Crazy

THIS IS NOT AN AD.

It’s a beautiful day and you know what else is good? Nothing except Pop-Tarts, which I am not saying as an advertisement even though I would absolutely accept either money or Pop-Tarts as payment, or both. (This isn’t a parody of native advertising, this is sincere.) (I believe the clock has run out for parodies of native ads.) (And you know what else? This is off-topic slightly but I feel like in general we now accept the idea of a joke as a joke, in terms of written humor pieces, rather than actually turning the idea into a joke. “This is the joke.” That’s my impression of the sort of humor you find online now. “I’m telling you what the joke is.”)

In general everything is joyless at best and painful at worst except for Pop-Tarts. And my dog. And the nice day. And friends. But we’re talking about Pop-Tarts. I could eat 100 Pop-Tarts essentially at all times. Could you? What is your favorite flavor? Write it down here:

Mine is blueberry unfrosted. You know what else? Even “homemade” Pop-Tarts that you find at expensive coffee shops are good, even though they are typically $3 more expensive than you think they should be. Every kind of Pop-Tart is good. And it’s so nice that you can just go buy a box of Pop-Tarts and have a bunch of them. I hope you know how much it pains me to write this. As you must know if you know me even slightly, which you may not, I hate the idea of being perceived as a sellout. I’m not a corporate ad guy in a suit telling you to buy Pop-Tarts. But I’m just saying, they’re good.

Pretty
Outrageous. 
Pop-

Tarts
Are
Really
Tasty

I’m sorry you’re reading this. Maybe you’ve already stopped. Or maybe you’re thinking, “I’d like to see where this goes.” Well. I hate to be the one to tell you this but it’s going nowhere. Would you like to read a little about the history of Pop-Tarts? It’s something with dog food. I’m not going to type it out for you but you can read it at Kotaku, which can be a pretty good site. “Can be a pretty good site” may seem not like a great compliment but it is actually the highest compliment one can give to a website currently.

What else. This post might seem like “nothing” because “I had no ideas” and “was eating a Pop-Tart” (“s’more flavor”) but I feel like if some-guy-you-don’t-even-know’s ranking of Pop-Tart flavors can exist on a webpage, so can this. (I actually do know the second guy and as it turns out his ranking, at least for the #1 slot, is correct, even though Deadspin’s choice to display rankings starting with #1 is quite obviously very incorrect.) (Thrillist guy is wrong and I don’t know him both in the Mariah Carey way and otherwise.)

MY OFFICIAL POP-TART RANKING

  1. Pop-Tarts
Thank you
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