Realistic ModCloth Descriptions

by Holly Richmond

As a high school sophomore, you’re constantly on the go from flute practice to doing homework to doing more homework. The Cute Baseball Player Finally Fingered Me dress will take you everywhere you need to go and help you remember that anticlimactic night in his older brother’s ’86 Mazda. Pair it with a silver headband and a shiny new pair of fingernail clippers! — $149.99

Flowers sometimes smell like shit, but let’s be honest, so do you when the President’s Physical Fitness Test falls on the heaviest day of your period. The Mum’s the Word dress, with its abstract, blotchy, out-of-focus red designs, is perfect for those days you forget tampons. — $79.99

When you gave your big three-minute presentation on the history of the rail car, no one was really paying attention. But at least your sweat stains weren’t visible, thanks to the strategically designed Dance the Polka Dot dress! You look so cute, it almost distracts you from the fact that your so-called friends forget to ask you later how your presentation went and you’re eating a two-day-old tuna sandwich. — $44.99

The gentle swaying of the tree branches overhead in the wind remind you that you still need to mow the lawn, even though your dad probably forgot you promised him that and you’d much rather watch Netflix on your cheap Dell. That is, if your little brother will stop downloading porn! The Easy Breezy Cuticle top, with its finger-skimming design, is sure to get sucked into the lawnmower should you ever do your chores. — $54.99

“What the fucking hell!” you screech as you drop your freshly painted diorama onto your parents’ most expensive rug. Whether cussing or crafting, you certainly put your heart into it! As you slam your bedroom door and slip off the Expletively Awesome blouse, you’ll swear its tiny unicorn-shaped buttons were made just to cheer you up. — $18.99

Holly Richmond is a mod piece of cloth. Sometimes she tweets.