Sex Tips from Ben Franklin

Relationship advice from America’s favorite tinkering dad.

Dear Dr. Franklin,

I am a lady. Like any lady from a respectable family I was married to a respectable man. Mr. Handovercock (my groom) and I are the perfect couple. During our courtship he read me sonnets and we ate biscuits. Then, we had a beautiful, perfect wedding. However, disaster struck on my wedding night …

It all happened when I was getting ready for bed. Wearing only my chemise and looking incredibly fetching, I leaned over to pull back the quilt when… I. FARTED.

Ah! Screaming, I ran out of the house faster than Paul Reeve’s horse and I haven’t seen him since. Dr. Franklin, what’s to become of me? Where shall I go? What shall I do? I AM RUINED.

Yours,
A Ruined Woman #worstwifeever


Ruined?

Ok, first of all RELAX. This is completely normal. Nay, it’s beyond normal it is commendable! Farting is the sign of a healthy body. A healthy body is necessary for the production of children. Your digestion is a credit to your husband and a testament to your fertility*.

It’s like I always say… Fart proudly, my dear. Fart proudly.

With affection,
The Good Doctor Franklin

*Well… I might be taking some scientific liberties with that but hey it doesn’t hurt.

My Dearest Dr. Franklin,

I love my husband. He is my lover, my best friend and my favorite congressional representative . We’ve been together together over 50 years and I’m just as hot for him as I was in 1776. Lately, though our (how shall I say this?) our sexual congress has been the subject of a government shutdown. The problem is my teeth.

Plainly put, I have no teeth. All of my confidence and sexual prowess seem to have disappeared with my molars and canines and I now find myself impotent to express the full measure of my passions. Yes, beauty fades and I never expected me to be a supple Venus forever. But well… it’s hard to feel sexy when you look like the crypt-keeper. Advice?

—The Toothless Crypt-keeper


Abby? Abigail? Abigail Adams is that you? My dear girl! You will always be a supple Venus to me! There is no doubt in my mind that John loves and desires you just as much as the day you were wed. That boy better be treating you like a damn Goddess, or better yet, his truest friend.

Please remember, Lust begins in the mind not in the body. Your mind, my dear Abigail, is LUSTY AF.

With affection, Ben

P.S. Also, in my experience toothlessness was never a fault in the bedroom ;)

Dear Dr. Franklin,

I am a woman of shall we say… advanced years. Lately I find myself feeling a little itchy. There is no pox, I assure you.

This is a very particular type of “itch.” I’ve tried various “home” remedies but to no avail. Now, I’m looking for something or dare I say someone who can relieve my itchiness. Where can women of a certain age find suitable companion(s) to give me good scratching? Short of that do you know where I can find a suitable salve?

—Still Itchy in Boston


Dearest Itchy,

I know of no Medicine to diminish the violent fit to diminish the violent natural inclinations.” In other words, there ain’t no salve for that sh*t. Look, let’s cut to the chase:

You sound hot. Come to my residence.

In my experience (which is vast) women of a certain age are simply better. And hey… no unwanted pregnancy. Everyone wins. True confession, I’m not exactly a nubile virgin myself but in the dark, “all the cats are grey.” I can’t wait to make you Meow.

Yours,
Benji

P.S. I’m @ 317 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia, PA ;)