Sex Tips from Catullus

Relationship advice from Rome’s sauciest poet

Catullus,

I don’t know what to do. About 1 month ago I dumped my boyfriend. He was terrible! A real playa. He killed my favorite goat. He had sex with my sister. She was a Vestal Virgin by the way. Yeah. that was a whole other ball of wax. AND he depleted all our grain supplies for the winter. He’s a bad guy. I know this. So, I did what any strong woman would do…I broke up with him. But now… oh, Catullus! I miss him. I hate him. I hate myself. But I miss him. I love him. I don’t even know why?! Catullus, what should I do? How do I get over this crap? Also, do you know where I can get a new goat?

— Manless and Goatless in Rome


Manless/Goatless,

First things first, my boy Aurelius over at the Forum can hook you up with a great goat. Done. As for your love life, that’s a little harder. I’VE BEEN THERE. Odi et amo. I hate and I love. Your brain hates this guy. Duh... he’s a dick. But your heart is about 25 IQ points behind. You still love him. I get it. Don’t beat yourself up. Why is this happening? There is no why. There is only pain. Hang in there. I still haven’t gotten over my girl Lesbia and it’s been over 2,000 years. I hope things go better for you though. In the meantime, Aurelius is still single. Good Luck with that.

Pax et amor, Catullus (For more advice on this topic see #85).

Hey Catullus,

I’ve been with my man for 5 years. We’ve always had amazing sex (No joke!) but lately… he seems unhappy. Yesterday, he held up our pepper grinder and said… “Hey Maria, how bout we pepper things up tonight?” I was so embarrassed. I just added pepper (actual pepper) to his turkey leg( an actual turkey leg) and walked away. I don’t know what to do. Catullus, how do I spice things up in the bedroom?

— Hoping to be Salty and Peppery too


Salty,

Girl, you know what to do. “Quem tu qua lubet, ut lubet moueto quantum uis, ubi erit foris paratum…” or rather Look, wag the damn thing where and how you fancy. Surprise him. Surprise yourself! Remember those classic moves…show up at his work wearing nothing but a laurel wreath, cover yourself in honey, buy yourself a new toga. Or to hell with toga, just take it all off, hide and then jump out when he’s sitting on the crapper. That’d do it for me. But remember his pleasure is not the issue here. Remember that you a strong and sexy lady. YES. YOU ARE. Think about things that make YOU feel fun and sexy. What is YOUR metaphorical sexual pepper grinder? I guarantee that your fella (if he’s a fella worth having) will be turned on if you are turned on. You feel me? Get yours, girlfriend.

Pax et amor, Catullus (for more advice on this topic see # 15)

Catullus,

I’ve been on the on-line dating circuit for about a year. I do it all… Gladiators Only, Agora.Com, OKCupid. I love my friends, I love my job, I love meeting new people. Last night I went on a date with this guy. Things were going REALLY well. We’re talking, we’re laughing. Our knees were touching and the wine was flowing…when suddenly…I couldn’t hear ANYTHING. Also, I couldn’t see ANYTHING. Then, my tongue got messed up! Catullus, is this love or do I have an incurable disease?

— Lovesick? Or Just Sick-Sick?


Lovesick,

Congratulations, Babygirl.

I’m pretty sure* YOU’RE IN LOVE. Ah… I remember that feeling when I first saw my girl Lesbia. It’s terrifying. No for real, at first I thought I was having a stroke. Don’t worry, sweets. This is totally normal!** When you’re in love “lingua sed torpet, tenuis sub artus flamma demanat sonitu suopte tinant aures, gemia teguntur lumina nocte.” Or rather, you’re tongue gets thick, fire goes through your body, you ears ring with their own sound, your eyes are twice covered by night.

Yup. Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks didn’t tell you this but Catullus will… love comes with physical symptoms. It’s crazy! My advice?

Be. Bold. Text him.

Just something simple like a “Sup?” or if you’re feelin more chill…“hey…” Like my boy Virgil says “fortuna iuvat.” In other words… Girl, you need to carpe that sh*t.

Pax et amor, Catullus (for more advice on this topic see # 51).

____

*you might want to see a doc just to be safe. Sounds serious.
**Probably not.