Sex Tips From Lysistrata

Advice from a world where vaginas are deep-sea fishes and penises are food products.

Dear Lysistrata,

My husband has an unusually small penis. The penis (if you can call it that) sort of resembles a shriveled fig that has not yet turned into a prune. My flatfish needs more. What can I say? I just do. But here’s the thing, my household budget is limited and stone and tar dildos are just SO EXPENSIVE. I mean I know I’m worth it, I just can’t afford it. Also, like all men my guy is sensitive. I can’t imagine the look on his face if he were to walk into our bedroom and see a huge stone dildo just staring at him (those 12-inch puppies are hard to hide). I need something cheap but also portable and discreet. What’s a gal gotta do to get a decent dildo?

—A Discreet Flatfish on a Budget


Flatfish,

Honey, stone dildos are so last season. Also Ladies, you should stay away from tar and mouse feces-based dildos. Sure, they seem like a good idea in the moment, but that’s the kind of thinking that leads to debilitating yeast infections.

Never fear, Lysistrata has the answer. Two words. BREAD DILDO. They are super cheap (you can make them at home) and they’re great for the environment! (100% biodegradable…cause it’s bread).

What’s the best thing since sliced bread? A hot loaf of it shoved up your oven, that’s what! The next time you’re preparing dinner set aside some dough just for you! You deserve it. Now, it’s easier than ever to get the penis/implement of penetration you most desire. You decide the length and the girth. Then pop that bad boy in and enjoy!

You’re welcome.

Dear Lysistrata,

I’m having a hard time with my woman. She just won’t listen. I work hard all day, and call me crazy, but I expect to come home to a relatively clean oikos and dinner on the table, or at least a bowl of olives. She owes me at least that! But no. Half the time my wife isn’t even there. When she comes home (usually around midnight) she’s covered in mud, her hair is all messed up and she’s got blood dripping from her mouth. I swear if I didn’t know better I’d think she was f*cking around with some God.

I’ve tried to extend my olive branch, but she won’t touch it. “My hard-ons are absolutely killing me” What should I do? I’m losing my temper.

–A Dude


Dude,

What makes you think your wife owes you ANYTHING? I got news for you, she doesn’t. Don’t even think about ‘losing your temper,’ I know what that means. I’m “not fond of violence and prefer decorum.” But, I will not hesitate to “punch you out and chew your balls off.”

So your wife isn’t keeping the house clean? You could clean it. So your wife didn’t make you dinner? You could whip up some baklava. So your wife is a Maenad, who may or may not be eating wild animals and/or people? TALK TO HER. Voice your concerns and listen to hers. It’s called COMMUNICATION. I know it sounds crazy but just… talk to her and most importantly LISTEN TO HER. It’s really that simple.

You’re welcome.

Dear Lysistrata,

I’m bored. I’ve been living with my partner for 10 years and we have 2 children. I love my children, but I hate how motherhood has changed my sex life. I feel like I’m “nothing but a diaper and a bed.” When we do have sex he just crawls on top me like a slippery eel wiggling into my unfazed cave. Snooze. I get more excited when I pour a glass of wine.

Actually, yeah. OH! OH! OH!* “just to touch this bottle makes me come.” Whoa. What’s up with THAT?

—Bring on the Bordeaux


Bordeaux,

Look girl. I love me a meaty, bold red just as much as next gal. Hail Dionysus! Am I right, bitches? Ain’t nothin wrong with that.

Now, not to knock a classic like the Eel-in-the-Cave position but have you ever experimented? Changed it up? Gurl, have you tried the Lioness on a Cheese-Grater? It’s my go-to sexual position. Now, I’d recommend getting a firm pillow in place. Not down. Foam is ideal. It’s so important to protect your joints (whether or not you have existing knee pain). Take care of your bones not just his bone! Am I right?!

Ok now, bend over and get on all fours (make sure those knees are on that pillow.) Then, lean forward so the bulk of your weight is resting on your forearms. Now, spread those legs like that kinky bitch Nala… just waitin for Simba to come along and take his place in your Circle of Life!

Then your partner can come up behind you with a thick wedge of cheddar cheese*. So big. So firm. So… orange. Oh. Yeah. Eat the f*ck outta that amazing cheese until you’re both moaning with pleasure.

Wine and Cheese. What a pairing.

You’re welcome.

*Or Gruyere. Gruyere works just as nicely.