Sex Tips from Queen Catherine the Great

She’s heard it all before. She’s DONE it ALL before.

Dear Queen Catherine,

I am in love with a very neurotic man. He is so kind and smart and he really cares about me. Yet there are some days when I just want to shake him! He is constantly obsessing about the state of our relationship (along with everything else). It’s like we’re living in an opera. You thought you were a great supporter of the arts? Move aside, Queenie.

So of course, I can’t just tell this prima donna to chill the f*ck out because that freaks him out even more. He’s all, “What you mean? Don’t you love me anymore? What are you doin’ to me?!” There’s lots of chest pounding and crying. How can I get him to calm down? What do I say to him?

— Perplexed in Prussia


Dear Perplexed,

I’ve been there. His name was Zavadovsky. Boy was just as crazy as he was fine. And girl, he was FINE. Hot. Young. And ALL MALE. Look, you gotta be real clear with your man. Look him in the eye and lay that shit out. It’s just like annexing Turkish lands. You need to get to the point. Tell him, “One, stay with me. Two, believe it when I say something. Three, do not quarrel hourly about trifles.” If he can’t handle that then…. NEXT. Trust me Sweets, there are always new men and new lands to conquer. За любовь!

Dear Queen Catherine,

I am completely repulsed by my husband. I would rather get stabbed in the eye with a serf’s pitchfork than look at his naked body. I’m not a shallow person but last night when he crawled into our bed, wearing his black socks and eating his Cool Ranch Doritos, I threw up in my mouth. Thankfully, he is not interested in sex… at least with me. The only thing that actually gets him hard are Cool Ranch Doritos.

There is an added complication. My mother-in-law is a total assh*le. She keeps asking us when we’re having kids. Some days I feel like I should I just I go off the pill so that my lover (you know how it is, girl) can knock me up. Then I could just pass the kid off as my husband’s and maybe that Bitch will finally shut up. Ugh, babies are so ugly though.

—Really More of a FRITO Gal


FRITO Gal,

Wow, are Doritos that delicious? I totally get it though, I’m like that with peaches. YUMS. Oh right, your problem… OK. Look, for some people kids can be a blessing. But for a lot of us, they can be ungrateful little brats who won’t leave you alone even when you are in your grave! Oh yeah, my son actually dug up my corpse to bury me with my idiot of a husband. Why? Cause he’s a spiteful little prick. That’s why. Bottom line: be damn sure you want kids before you have them. In my experience, those little critters are nasty and ugly ta boot. Also, your husband sounds like an idiot, no wonder you’re repulsed. Get his attention with value size snack-pack and then use my favorite break-up line, “Goodbye. The world is full of strange situations.” Enough said. And hey, If divorce isn’t an option there is always assassination. За любовь!

Dear Queen Catherine,

My ex-lover and I are really good friends. Really. We haven’t had anything resembling sexy-times for 10 years. At this point we’re like brother and sister. You know, like a brother and sister who used to have sex but now just drink vodka and occasionally pass out in the snow together. Here’s the thing, Vlad (that’s my bro) wants to set me up with his old army buddy. Vlad keeps telling me that his friend Gustav (that’s the army buddy) is super kinky and he thinks we’d really hit it off. Vlad knows me well. I’m intrigued but I don’t know…is this too weird? Too incestuous?

— Kinky in the Kremlin


Kinky,

Hellz no. It’s like I always say, “If you want to be my lover ya gotta get with… my former lovers” (yeah, the Spice Girls totally ripped me off). MEET GUSTAV. From one kinky bitch to another, Ex-lovers are the best tools (pun intended) for procuring fresh meat. Sounds like you’ve got a solid bro there, girlfriend. За любовь!

Dear Queen Catherine,

I’ve had 27 lovers. My former paramours and I have experimented with countless sexual positions as well as various toys and techniques. Yet never in my life have I felt the intense waves of pleasure that come when I’m riding Ol’ Bessie, my beloved pony. To be clear, I was ridding Bessie in the traditional fashion. Just the other day I had the most mind-blowing orgasm of my life in the middle of a hunt. Sure, I tried to play it off like I was just excited that we caught the deer; but I didn’t fool anyone, except Ol’ Bessie, she seemed pretty unfazed by the whole thing. Have you heard of this type of thing happening before?

—Horny on (but not necessarily for) Horses

Horny,

Honey, why do you think the aristocracy invented equestrian sports? Horseback riding is the most sexually satisfying activity one can do fully clothed. Enjoy it. Contrary to popular belief, you do not need rig up any type of special device or commit bestiality in order to enjoy yourself with a horse. All you need is a good pair of riding boots. Enjoy! За любовь!

Dear Queen Catherine,

My new BF and I are inseparable. We do everything together, exploit serfs, ride in sleighs, eat cherries... EVERYTHING. I even have small vial that I wear around my neck which contains his finger-nail clippings. In short, he is my everything. I’m just worried that it all might be too much… am I suffocating him? Will he get sick of me? I HAVE TO BE WITH HIM. Wait, am I too clingy?

—Now, I want His Toenails


Toenails?,

SNAP OUT OF IT! OK. Sorry, that was a bit harsh. Look honey, Take a break, for at least three days. You need to hold on to the power in the relationship by setting the rules of engagement. Also, this sh*t sounds crazy intense. It’s just like I said to my lover Potyomkin, “I need not to see you for about three days, if that is possible, to give my mind time to calm down, and for me to come to my senses. Or you will soon grow bored with me, and how could it be otherwise?” Just try it. Huh. Wow… fingernails? TOENAILS?!

No. That’s where I draw the line.