Stress Dreams, Ranked

1. Lost on the New York subway; late to meet a friend; the subway opens up inside a gym where a former co-worker is stationed behind the receptionist desk with the biggest, most sinister smile on her face.

2. Lost in an unfamiliar neighborhood of New York; pouring rain; what I thought was an umbrella turns out to be a very thick copy of Women’s Health magazine, torn to shreds.

3. My lawyer calls with “news” but the phone is too static-ey to hear if she means “good” or “bad” news; I am yelling “What kind of news? What kind of news?!” when I wake up.

4. Out to dinner with a person I kind of know but am very intimidated by; she stares at me expectantly but I cannot think of a single question to ask her.

5. All of my GChats with Monica “Horny Jail” Heisey are automatically posted to Twitter; I spend all day sending text messages that say but what I meant to say was