Thanks, CNN!

CNN has a very helpful article titled “5 questions to ask before having penis surgery.”

Wouldn’t it be more fun to come up with our own?

1. Will I still have a penis after this surgery?
2. Have you ever seen a penis before?
3. Because, you know, if you’ve never seen an un-circumcised one before, I don’t want you to wig out and assume my penis is being slowly swallowed by a cancer-snake. Do I sound nervous?
4. This isn’t one of those surgeries you’re doing conscious sedation for these days, right?
5. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is completely improbable and 10 is very probable, what is the chance that my penis will awaken with a malicious mind, like the hand in Gene Wolfe’s classic “The Shadow of the Torturer,” and will eventually slowly kill me after first gouging out my eyes? Keeping in mind that there will not be a soft-hearted apprentice torturer to slip me a knife so I can kill myself first?

Bonus Question:

6. Can you make it prehensile?