The Model In These Photos

You’re gonna wish you never asked

Kady Ruth Ashcraft
The Hairpin
3 min readJul 25, 2017

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Image: MarieEly

The model in these photos is 5’11 and is wearing a size 4. We are letting you know this so you have an idea of how the clothes fit her, the perfect woman, and how they might compare on your body, a potato farm. The model only drinks water and thinks fruit is a dessert.

The model flosses twice a day because the dentist recommended it and because she forms every habit she sets out to form. She keeps a calendar and does 5 week couch to 5k programs every 2 weeks. She comes every time.

In fact, the model didn’t know that some women have difficulty coming. That makes her sad. She sends her thoughts and prayers to women all over the world who can’t always come. When she is in town next, which she inevitably will be because she is paid to travel all over the world, she’ll gift you fancy vibrator. The model is sex positive.

You hated the model in high school because she said some mean things to you, but in retrospect they were projections of an insecure teenager. Which were the exact words she used when she sent you a facebook message years later apologizing for ever being nasty or mean because she thought you were wonderful and wanted to clear any bad air. You accepted the apology and mourned the loss of a gripe you enjoyed holding.

So there you have it, the model is kind and learns from her mistakes. The model doesn’t hold grudges. The model believes in putting good energy out into the world because that is how you get good energy back. The model is naive to the fact that women who wear a size 4 and are 5’11 often receive a hearty dose of good energy regardless of what they put out.

The model knows her good looks will eventually fade and has begun smartly establishing herself as a business woman. She doesn’t take business classes per se, but the model does sit at the table in a suit jacket with a denim bra underneath and say things like, “You know what my niece won’t stop raving about? Fidget spinners. So my question is, how do we make them ethical?”

And the other suits with stodgy men wearing full shirts underneath grumble and agree and go make ethical fidget spinners in the models name. The model is humbled her career has led her to such opportunities like this. The model goes on vacation for 4 weeks, to a place with white sand and carafes of fruit infused water. A small child, a local, walks by her with a fidget spinner and she stops him.

“You like those things?”

The child does not speak English, but she continues because she is used to people becoming speechless in the presence of her beauty.

“I’ve made one that is ethical.” The child, unsure of what to do hugs her and runs away. The model has yet again given out and in turn received good energy.

We have another photoshoot lined up for the model when she returns home. This time for elegant linen sack suits for women with clavicles and small wrists. The model is one of those women and you are not. But please don’t hate the model for this. She is someone who can harbor hate and it doesn’t affect her posture but for you, you sweet fingerling potato farm, not so much. The model wants you to be happy.

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Kady Ruth Ashcraft
The Hairpin

Writer/Comedian/Comedy Writer! @thehairpin @lark-olive. Has new bangs.