Things a Psychic Told My Girlfriend (According to My Therapist)

by Joe Berkowitz

“I sense that someone is interfering with your aura, preventing it from shining as blindingly as it might. On the surface, all seems in order, but don’t be fooled. Look inside and the source of this karmic disruption will reveal itself. Could it be that it’s someone you’ve been involved with romantically? No matter how well-adjusted a person seems, or how much inner growth he’s achieved recently, the man in your life could be a viper in the bush, laying in wait — if you’re caught unawares, the attack can be deadly.”

“For how long have you kept your spirit confined when it’s starved for adventure and your heart yearns to sing? You and your almost preternaturally ‘together’ partner may have roots in the community, but these roots are like so many shackles on the Amistad of your essence — another city beckons! Perhaps one that is far, far away. When you arrive where your chakra has always secretly dreamt of living — Los Angeles — the many splendid wonders will wash over your eyes like a baptism. I can see you packing your things into cardboard boxes, and you are more than alive… you are on fire. Metaphysically speaking.”

“Ah, it appears that I’ve drawn The Hanged Man tarot card. That would be Odin, the Norse god who hung from the World Tree for nine days, earning sacred knowledge of the Runes. He has absolutely nothing to do with the colloquial definition of a ‘hung’ man, however, and by no means suggests the men in your future will be any more skilled at pleasuring you than your current partner, despite your very healthy and normal curiosity toward meeting new gentlemen.”

“Trust is like a muscle that needs regular exercise if it is to grow and flourish. To fully strengthen the bond between you and your partner, you must relentlessly put that trust to the test. Although he may have recently gotten closure on certain abandonment issues regarding the weekday nanny who stood in for his mother, that is no reason to believe that your lover is trust worthy. Always question what he claims is the truth. Sometimes it may not be so truthful after all, the things that he says. The password on his Gmail account will bring proof of such.”

“Global climate change is a myth. Further scrutiny will reveal inconsistencies in the research. I can see that someone in your life firmly believes otherwise, and you would do well to challenge him on that at every opportunity, as lively debate can vastly enrich one’s chi.”

“If anyone among your circle — anyone at all, really — happens to be working weekends lately, that person may be avoiding you. By the divine power of the amethyst crystals, I see that someone very close to you is really burning the candle at both ends, so to speak. This may be because he does not understand you, rather than as part of a coordinated effort at self-actualization. In any case, the issue of spending enough time together has nothing to do with thrice-weekly early evening visits to a highly credentialed specialist who is also reasonably priced.”

“The time will soon come when you cease denying your creative energy and pursue the career you’ve always desired — you are fated to be an actress! Exploring your flair for the dramatic will unlock the happiness you’ve always sensed lurking beneath the uncertainty within. When you’re doing what you truly want to be doing, it’s never really ‘work.’ I’m not working right now, for example, I’m merely showing my lovely friend the enchanted future that awaits in following her bliss. Worry not for the material things made possible by your 9 to 5 prison sentence. You were meant to be an actress and so shall fate provide. But you will realize that dream only once you begin to indulge all emotional urges, allowing them to pour forth like an unstoppable geyser in the cool of the evening.”

“By the time your soul enters the thirtieth year in its current host body, you will have delivered a beautiful child into the universe. It is only natural to be consumed with a screaming, tormented uncertainty about whether your current partner will make an appropriate helpmeet for childrearing. I cannot see clearly what the father looks like in your case, but I’m sensing it isn’t someone with less ‘me-work’ to do than your very recent ex-boyfriend.”

Previously: Mr. Darcy Might Have LOL-ed.

Joe Berkowitz is just trying to get a handle on things, you know?

Photo via Flickr