What Does 2017 Hold For Wendi Deng?

Some more questions for a real-life wizard.

Image: Instagram

Well, Wendo. Is it too late to say Happy New Year? I feel like we are reaching the point where you can’t say that to people anymore. I also feel like you maybe don’t let anyone say that to you even on New Year’s actual day, like to look you in the eye and say Happy New Year is to display a breathtaking presumption and sassiness that would get someone killed in the olden days. I am very frightened of you.

Anyway. Welcome to 2017. What do you make of it, so far? You have been having a powerful time, I guess. We have all been having a powerful time, but we are all just people and you are Wendi. We were put on this earth to have jobs and to worry about money a lot, and you were put on this earth to remind us that we are weak.

In my last letter to you, I had some questions. They were mostly about how come you are such an amazing wizard, but there were some more specific ones. For example, I asked you what you think about when you are on Roman Abramovic’s yacht, and whether you and Vladimir Putin go hunting, and whether you like to talk to Rupert Murdoch on the phone sometimes. I asked you if felt a little bit like you might be violating the terms of the Geneva Convention. I thought at the time I had covered my bases. Such hubris. Imagine having the gall to think there were a finite number of questions one could put to Wendi Deng. You are as unlimitedly interesting as the universe itself. For example, how come your Instagram handle is @wendimurdoch? What kind of streetfighter move is that? What are you communicating. I need to know. What. Also, obviously, I have many many questions about your divine new boyfriend, who is 21 and Very Handsome and how did you meet him and do you guys go on jetskis often. What do you talk about together in the car after being at Naomi Campbell’s birthday party? Do you go shopping together a lot?

I feel like hanging out with you must be just the most radical and abrupt introduction to what is really going on Behind The Scenes. You know? Like what is really up in this current geopolitical climate. Wendi, I feel like you know everything. Maybe you have a war room, and on one wall there is just a list of every powerful person in the world, and then next to the name is a ranking that you have given them regarding their political or social clout. The symbol for the ranking is a little crocodile. You give the most powerful ones 9/10 crocodiles. No one has 10/10 crocodiles. Only you. Is this true? Say yes.

Wendi, be assured that I will write you a letter later in the year with more questions. I have many, but I will stop with them for now, and instead offer you some suggestions. Just some things I would like to see you do in the coming year.

  1. Fight someone. I don’t care who, but they have to be visibly strong because it is more of a thing then when you beat them. They can also be old, because it is more of a thing then how you exercise no mercy or restraint. Iggy Pop seems quite strong and quite old. Very ropey muscles.
  2. Pioneer a new kind of pet for people to have, such as sun bears or zebras. Maybe ant farms, except praying mantis farms. Put your name to a line of high-end spider or praying mantis farms, and make it so everyone has to get one for their birthday.
  3. Take up a confusing charitable cause.
  4. Concept album? Risk­­-like board game called What Would Wendi Do. Nope, too obvious. Risk­-like board game called Wendi Against Humanity.
  5. Blow my mind with whoever you decide to date next. Just knock me right out. Your options are literally endless in this regard, because you dating anyone would blow my mind. Imagine you dated my friend Scott! Imagine you dated, like, a member of The Offspring! Or someone’s mom! DEMI MOORE. Imagine you were dating 50 or 60 people at once. Imagine you were dating us all.

I have more suggestions, and I will put them to you in the coming months. There is a lot that is going to happen in Wendi-town this year, I can just feel it. Wendi, you mythical beast. You miraculous bird of prey. Blow our minds, Wendi. We cannot wait.

Previously: