Why Are Sharks Better Than Other Things That Can Kill You?

(Because, you know, they are, and we shouldn’t try to deny it.)

But why? Why do we love sharks so much? When the Discovery Channel runs one of those shows that count down THE TEN DEADLIEST CREATURES (and, newsflash, you always get super stoked for NUMBER ONE, and they alllllways go with…intense orchestral build-up…man, which is lame), it becomes apparent that hippos and mosquitoes and those nasty jellyfish things that you either dump vinegar or pee or Diet Sprite or SOMETHING on to detach from your torso are the Real Killers.

But when things actually kill people in significant numbers, it becomes kinda gross to talk about how cool they are. Like “I love tornadoes!” or “GIANT WAVES, man, how rad are they?” (Answer: not very rad at all, although you should totally read The Wave by Susan Casey.)

And conceivably, you might some day be at a party and be all “GREAT WHITE SHARKS RULE AND THEY ARE MY FAVORITE APEX PREDATOR” after you have a few drinks in you, and someone may get pissy and say “my uncle was eaten by a great white off the coast of South Africa,” but that’s probably not going to happen. You’re going to get away with that.

It’s probably that they live in the water, and we don’t, and the water goes a very, very long way down. And you may not know this, but if you go down far enough, there are megalodons hiding out in the warmth of the Mariana Trench, waiting to be brought up to the surface BATHED IN THE HOT BLOOD OF ONE OF THEIR VICTIMS.