Why Does The Daily Mail Hate The Princesses of York?

The British tabloid is ruthless when it comes to Beatrice and Eugenie

The Daily Mail has a certain reputation, shall we say, for coming down hard on people who do not expect or deserve it. It has no sense of scale, nor of shame. There it is, standing on the top rope with its arms outspread, about to bodyslam the shit out of some poor woman from The Only Way is Essex (a “scripted reality show” set in Essex, England, now on its 18th season). Like this:

The people who work at the Daily Mail are notorious clothesliners. They have made a list of enemies in the manner of Richard Nixon or the wrestler Andre the Giant, and once you are on there, you are fucked. You are done for. Sorry, Lily Allen. You will never be able to go out in public again without the Daily Mail insisting that you were drunk. Sorry, Amy Winehouse. Best of luck to you, Iggy Azalea. I wish you strength, minor Kardashians. The Daily Mail hates you all to hell. Console yourselves, though, with the fact that they don’t hate any of you nearly as much as they hate the Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie. None of you even come close.

B&E’s Google results. How did Eugenie Bouchard get roped into this?

The Daily Mail hates Beatrice and Eugenie the way the Count of Monte Cristo hated whoever he was supposed to hate. I have never read the book. It hates them the way Scar hates Mufasa. The way Salieri hates Mozart. The way Milton’s Satan hates God. It’s unbelievable, and yet it is real.

Poor princesses. Those two unfortunate-seeming gals will never catch a break. It’s ridiculous to describe them as such, these two obscenely wealthy idle young aristocrats who can do whatever they want every goddamn second of the day. They are literal princesses. They are the daughters of hilarious old Sarah Ferguson, and they are seventh and eighth in line to the throne. They are worth between 3 to 5 million pounds each. They are doing fine. We live in a terrible world, and our sympathy would be better placed elsewhere. Still, it is hard not to feel sorry for them, the way the Daily Mail comes at them.

Someone did this to dogs :(

It all began, I think, when they wore those messed-up hats to William and Kate’s wedding. Remember that? The Daily Mail did not confine itself to criticism of those hats, though. They also went to town on the dresses, and the shoes, and the expressions on their wretched faces. A certain tone was set, and it just got worse.

Check it out. Here is an article ostensibly describing a gala Eugenie went to, where Keanu Reeves for some reason also was present. What is really being described, though, is the fact that old Eugenie was wearing the same dress that she had worn to the Royal Ascot races five years previously. This fact is mentioned six times. When Kate Middleton wears the same dress twice, the Daily Mail loses its mind trying to find new ways to praise her. She is so thrifty! She is so good for her country! When Eugenie does it, though, the strong implication is that she is broke, and that it’s embarrassing for all of us. Also, look at that first line: “She’s known for wearing outfits that really stand out from the crowd.” Is this not a masterpiece of damning with faint praise? Is this not a dagger to the heart?

While these kind of backhanded swipes are a much-used weapon, the best is when the Mail drops all pretense and just goes straight for the death blow. Here is my favorite, a classic of the genre. Devastating use is made of the word “strange,” of the word “uncomfortable.” Look at the photos they have chosen to use! Look at the expressions on their faces! They look like they are in a play! They look like the play is called The Unfortunate Sisters! LOOK AT BEATRICE’S BOYFRIEND DAVE IN HIS SLEEVELESS JACKET.

Oh God, Dave. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave. Look here. Look how Dave is described as being “in great spirits” (read: hammered), and how they talk about his card tricks. His CARD TRICKS. Like he is a professional MAGICIAN. Can you imagine anything more embarrassing? This article also takes the trouble to mention that Beatrice was not wearing makeup, and that she obviously should not be on holiday in the first place, seeing as Brexit is real.

Another thing the Daily Mail likes to do is play one sister off against the other, to lift one sister up in order to dash her harder to the ground at a later date. It’s usually Beatrice who draws the short straw. Here. Eugenie, now, is “standing out in the best possible way,” while the best that can apparently be said of Beatrice’s sartorial decisions is that she is “certainly ultra-coordinated.” “Certainly.” Here.

The level of scrutiny they are subjected to is frankly amazing. It is endless. There are articles that describe Eugenie “sipping from a cup.” There are articles describing how much Kate thinks they suck (so much). There are articles describing how everyone else got to go for a car ride to some Royal event, but the two Princesses? They had to walk. Right now, at the Daily Mail HQ, someone is writing an article about how much hotter baby Charlotte is than both of them put together. It is endless, and it is real. It’s unbelievable.