Why Not This Idea: Dogs Can Talk For 25 Minutes Per Day

Just to check in.

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I was thinking about this last week. Why aren’t dogs able to talk for 25 minutes per day? They should be allowed. It’s not much to ask. This way you would be able to check in and see how their day was, among other things.

Well, OK. Right away you know what the problem is. If dogs could talk for 25 minutes per day, would they be aware of the fact that they can only talk for 25 minutes per day throughout the rest of the day and feel trapped inside of their own minds until they’re finally allowed to briefly speak? Well, no. You’re in luck. No. Everything would be normal the rest of the time. They would just be their normal dog selves, until suddenly they were able to speak to you for 25 minutes.

Would they have a dog brain during the speaking time, or would they have more of a human brain? Scientifically speaking. And what language would they speak? Two good questions. They would have sort of a combo dog/human brain, so they were able to communicate with you while maintaining a certain dog-ness, and they would speak whatever language their owner speaks.

When would they speak? Well, this might cause a few hiccups. Normally it would be towards the end of the day but really it wouldn’t have a schedule and you certainly wouldn’t be able to plan for it. If you’re out for the speaking time — maybe you’re at work, or in the shower, or wherever — you’re sunk for that day, and you don’t even know it for sure until the day is over. That would be “ruff,” ;), especially if you needed to talk about something important.

But if you were around for speaking time, not only would the dog be able to communicate how his day was, etc., to you, you would also be able to tell him about your day (he won’t care) and ask him questions. “I heard you do a cough noise earlier. Are you feeling OK?” “Are you sad?” “Am I making your life worse than it would be if you had another person taking care of you, do you think, because maybe I’m not fun enough or you just don’t like me?” “Do you think I’m a failure professionally?” “What about I’ll tell you my age, then you tell me if you think I’m a failure.” “Did you hear that loud bird this morning?” etc.

Dogs could also tattle on their owners if they were mistreating them. Could they tattle on their owners if they saw that their owners were doing something like cheating on their wives? No. But maybe you should be afraid of that anyway, because maybe they could.

Some of you are wondering if, during the speaking time, you would be able to explain commands to the dog that you would otherwise have to teach him through normal dog methods. No. Dogs won’t remember what goes on during the speaking times; you’re not establishing a history this way. It’s just a check-in. You’ll need to teach your dog “sit” the normal dog way. However, when you do speak with him you can compliment him on his sitting.

What else? Maybe you’re worried that your dog won’t like you and that he’ll be mean to you during his 25 minutes. That would be “ruff,” ;), but I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I bet he likes you fine. And if he doesn’t, maybe he can tell you what you’re doing wrong that’s making him hate you and you can fix that about yourself. Maybe you’re annoying, etc. Maybe you’re selfish. It could be very good for you to hear things like this from a dog and then adjust.

If you tell him “I love you” during the talking period, will he understand what you mean? Yes, and over time he will remember the feeling he gets when you tell him, so when you say it throughout the day he will also understand. This may seem like it doesn’t align with the rule that you can’t teach dogs things during the speaking time because they can’t remember, but actually it has nothing to do with that. OK? It’s just about feeling, and love.

So, that’s the idea.

Previously:

Why Not A One-Mug Microwave?
Why Not Ten-Ball Soccer?

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