Get Back on the Horse
There is almost no need to describe the sickening feeling a man gets when he fails. Almost worse than the experience itself is what comes after: shame, guilt, regret, etc. I’ve been there plenty. I want to be there less.
I’ve talked a great deal about patterns in the past. Following in the way we first learned to do something is hard to break, even if we know it’s wrong. Malcolm Gladwell recorded a great episode on his podcast Revisionist History on this very topic. He spends roughly thirty eight minutes investigating why people make the wrong decision even when they know the right one will benefit them more, even when they know the right one will correct one of their largest weaknesses.
I’ve come to understand the key factor in many of our poor decisions that lead to failure in one form or another can be traced all the way back to boyhood, the Cowboy phase as John Eldredge describes it. It’s the time in our life where we begin to make agreements about who we are and what we are capable of. It’s the time in our life where people who love us, if we were so lucky to have that, ask us the tough questions that lead us lovingly to the edge of our perceived ability. That wild edge where decisions must be made to take risks, to face almost certain embarrassment, and to hope for eventual mastery.
It’s important to think through this time in our lives. So many memories, so many shaping experiences. I meet man after man that has not thought about anything prior to their Sophomore year in high school since they actually lived it. This is a dangerous amnesia. It isn’t just about what happened to us. It’s also about what we did with it, how we processed it.
Most men avoid reflection because the memories of failure that almost certainly will surface.
But, what if we did something different with failure? What if we mastered it instead of mulling over it? I must warn you, this is not a task for the faint of heart. To do this well, you must get your mind right. And, I believe this is only really possible if you are consistently in a setting with other men who are doing the same, but that’s an article for another day.
Mastering failure means facing it. It means becoming comfortable enough with it to pace through it, to keep your wits about you when your heart rate goes up, your nostrils flare, and your palms start to sweat. These are simply physical cues that something important is going on, and you need to pay closer attention. Here’s the plain truth no one really wants to talk about for some reason: all men fail. Yep, every last one that has or will ever live has done something stupid, something embarrassing, something that hurt the people they love. The good news?
Failure never has to be final.
You can always get back on the horse. To do this, you have to answer the question: “Are you the boss of that animal, son? Or is he the boss of you?” We’ve undersold determination these days to our detriment. There’s a lot to be said for knocking the dust off your pants and getting back on the thing that threw you off in the first place. Failure is a necessary step to mastery. All the great disciplines recognize this. Fighting what’s fighting us should work out our arrogance but not break our pride.
Have you failed at something lately? Congratulations, you have just unknowingly identified a potential place of growth. You may have stumbled into the fight, but that doesn’t mean you have to lay down and die. Get up, Hangar Man! Show that animal who’s boss. Keep at it until you, through your continued efforts, convince yourself you have what it takes.
