Inner Self Change

For as long as its been, I’ve been working on gaining self love yet being able to love myself unconditionally like I have for many years for my cat, as well as being comfortable in my own skin. Which eventually leads to inner peace.

Anyway, it started in the beginning of my first year at high school, in January 2011 when Selena Gomez created “Who Says” in a music video, it had inspired me to work on the area of accepting myself regardless of how many items on that list I wanted to change about myself. For how those things made me feel so ugly inside.

For years, I never truly knew the real definition of what beauty is supposed to feel and look like for a human being. So I looked up to those Victoria Secret models to follow as my goal to reach. I also looked up to Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls, looking at her figure in her “I Hate This Part” music video.

Like the picture above, I looked up to reaching that kind of body figure. Though how wrong or in better words, unhealthy to be part of my goal to be healthy. Throughout my high school chapter, I didn’t gain any success here. So then the summer before college came and passed, and the beginning of my first year at Conestoga College for the office administration program.

First semester passed and then the beginning of 2nd semester came and I sunk deep enough with depression and continued to feel insecure about myself and all that comes with being young and all that was going inside my body and where I was at with my life.

I came out of the end of the last semester alive still after suffering with depression. And once I got home April 25th 2015, I started on my long journey in recovery. I had to work on it all on my own with no one to really speak about it except for both my therapists I’ve met and spoke to at my sessions during my recovery. I only really had those who could relate who I communicated through Twitter, Tumblr and Happier.

Anyway, throughout my recovery, I slowly started working on feeling comfortable in my own skin. And so one day I found myself watching “Penelope” for the first time and it really changed my perspective about self acceptance and gave me some ideas on feeling more accepted of myself as I am. And on that note, I have always did things to make others happy and to meet society’s expectations and standards to be accepted by them. When in all reality, eventually it came to me that the only acceptance that should matter is my own.

I should accept myself more than working on being accepted by others instead. I found myself in that prison world in which I like to call it. The world where you are caught up in society’s expectations and standards, you lose yourself and all that has made you who you are up till that changed down the wrong road.

The next thing I did from then, was working on my plan of working on doing things to help me be honest when I am able to say: “I like myself the way I am” like Penelope said near the end of the movie. Then I continued to have more time to work on analyzing other things that still needed attention to help me see what I couldn’t see before. And one of those things was all those times my parents kept taking away my self worth, I basically let them. Like the quote from Penelope: “its not the power of the curse. Its the power you give the curse.”

So I found that regardless of whether my parents continue to take away my self worth, I have to do everything I believe I can to not give power to that and try to love myself. And boy how hard that can truly be to achieve. It was not easy at all to do. If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you.

Another quote that really also helped me once I began to understand the lyrics on a deeper level, was Love Yourself by Justin Bieber. The lyrics I’m talking about are: “you told me you hated my friends. But the problem was with you and not them.

And so for more than 4 months now I’ve felt comfortable in my own skin. Not only that, I love myself unconditionally and am at peace with myself! How amazing is that? And how amazing it feels? Amazing!

And lastly before I end here, I want to add that I feel a lot more comfortable not only in my own skin but also with not wearing makeup when I go out in public. As for the only reason why I ever really wore makeup was to cover up my pimples and regardless of where I am with my acne clearing up at this point, I’m working on clearing up with Accutane real soon.

But besides that, I really love that feeling of just being myself with acceptance given by myself and not caring what others think. And more importantly than ever, only caring about what I think of myself. Which I use when picking out my outfit each day, doing more things as acts of self love which also includes doing more things that make me happy rather than doing things to only make others happy.

That is truly a very useful and powerful skill to use in life and I intend to use it to the best of my ability and the way I want that makes me happy! Because I matter, as much as what I think of myself and not anything about what others think about me nor how they view me. That is over, I’m done letting all that hate in the world make me hate myself.

I deserve to treat myself so much better than that! And that’s exactly what I’m gonna do for the rest of my life. And will hopingly be rewarded sometime with some amazing opportunitites in which I’ve been preparing myself for long enough; 2 years, 24 months now!

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