Why tough love works when we need to change behaviours
“I’m not telling you it is going to be easy, I’m telling you it is going to be worth it”
(Fox, 2019)
The dilemma of a “hard” or “soft” approach
When we join the teaching service, most of us have one dilemma — whether to use the “hard approach” or the “soft approach”. “Hard approach” seems to get the attention of most students but might humiliate the students. “Soft approach seems to build rapport faster but easier to lose control of the class. So which is better? To answer the question, we must understand what teachers and students need.
Teachers need security. Many of us fear losing control of the class (Tassell, 2005). We are worried about having a lesson where we must move around the classroom to persuade students to be on task. We are concerned about not getting the students’ respect and trust because we cannot get some students on task. On the other hand, students want to feel good about themselves. Some of them had terrible experiences with teachers humiliating them in front of the class and their parents being informed. They do not want the class to look at them as they are the “Naughty Students”.
I prefer to adopt a tough love approach to change the students’ behaviours to more desirable ones. “Tough” means treating the students sternly to stop their undesirable behaviour. “Love” means helping the student to find the joy of learning, become more motivated and develop their self-efficacy.
It gives students high expectations of themselves
“A leader takes people where they want to go. A great leader takes people where they don’t necessarily want to go but ought to be.”
(Rosalynn Carter)
In secondary four, I was selected to be part of the scout’s contingent in the Singapore Youth Festival (SYF) opening ceremony and the National Day Parade (NDP). The scoutmaster who led our contingent was a teacher, Mr S, a no-nonsense leader. During the final rehearsal for the SYF, the organisers told the scoutmaster that our marching was one of the worst. After the rehearsal, we had a long lecture from him.
Mr S told us how he was so embarrassed to hear the feedback and how disappointed he was with us as we had been practising for the event. Then he said, “I always believe you are the best because you always have full attendance! You are not being fair to the hard work you put in! What are you to be afraid of? You have been practising so you are good enough to give a good show! Next week is the actual SYF opening ceremony. If we are still going to perform this way, I will take our name out of the NDP!”
We marched so well during the SYF opening ceremony that many people praised us. And we went on to do very well in the NDP. We must bring some theoretical knowledge to understand why this lecture works.
The expectancy-value theory, developed by Eccles et al. (1983), states that achievement-related choices are motivated by a combination of people’s expectations for success and subjective task value in particular domains. For example, children are more likely to pursue an activity if they expect to do well and value it (Zheng et al., 2017). One possible reason we did poorly during the rehearsal was that no one gave us any expectations. And there were no spectators during the rehearsal, except the organisers. We became very motivated and focused when we were given an expectation to perform.
Another theory that could suggest why we did very well is the self-fulfilling prophecy (Cherry, 2022), which Robert C. Merton developed in the 1960s. “It was based on Aristotle’s belief that if you have high expectations of a learner and are aware of this, they will perform at a level that matches these expectations. Conversely, if you have low expectations of a learner and they are aware of this, their performance will suffer.” (Bates, 2019, P36).
What Mr S said left a big impression on me because it was one of my most satisfying experiences as a scout in secondary school. Although he raised his voice, his tone and words greatly motivated us. He made us believe in ourselves instead of demeaning us. He gave us a purpose in participating in the opening ceremony instead of merely participating to gain participation points.
The goal is to motivate, not to humiliate
“The duties of a teacher are neither few nor small, but they elevate the mind and give energy to the character.”
Dorothea Dix
After teachers’ training, I was in charge of the water polo club in the school. After six months of poor attendance, I decided to be more firm with the students about attending practice sessions. Following what Mr S said during SYF, I told the coach to give me one hour to talk to the students.
Using a firm tone, I told them, “If we continue this kind of attendance, we will never prove we are just as capable as any of them! I do not want you to be like me, always worried about being judged. I want to help you believe in yourselves. But to help you, you have to come for all practice sessions. That means at least three times a week. You can be as good in water polo as anyone because I see how you work. You are way more hardworking than many people I know. But you need more trainings because others have learnt how to swim five years before you start. If you want to do well, I’m with you, and I promise you I will do everything I can to help you excel in water polo!” After that, I never have to worry about attendance anymore. We even became national champions after five years.
When we use the tough love approach, we aim to change the students’ behaviour and motivate them to do the right thing, such as working hard. It is hard to change behaviour overnight, but according to B.F. Skinner’s operant conditioning, our behaviours can be developed or conditioned through reinforcement. Skinner believed that when an action has a positive reinforcement, such as praise or enjoyment, the students would do it more often. When the action has a negative reinforcement, the students will do it less often (Wahome & McMillen, 2022).
The consequence that we mete out should not only be a negative reinforcement, but would also bring joy and satisfaction. For example, if students are late for a PE lesson, we can tell them, “I’m not going to waste everyone’s time repeating the instructions to you; you have to save my time by helping at least three classmates today. Ask me if you do not know how to help, and I will guide you.” When the students help their classmates, it makes them feel more competent about themselves and makes them think they are valuable members of the class. The best thing is that I have reasons to praise him at the end of the class, motivating him to come to the lesson earlier.
Tough love is not a carrot-and-stick approach
“The carrot and the stick are pervasive and persuasive motivators.But if you treat people like donkeys, they will perform like donkeys.”
(Whitmore, 2017)
Most physical education (PE) teachers would agree that students dislike running during PE lessons. But we need to motivate them to run because running is part of the PE curriculum, and we also need to prepare them for fitness tests and school events such as cross country races. I often told them I would let them play their favourite games after the run to motivate them. However, the carrot and stick method usually does not work (Melnyck, 2019). At first, they run because they want to play a game. When they realise they still hate running, it reinforces their belief that running is not enjoyable — making them less motivated to run again.
As such, we need to understand the root of the problem. Most students prefer to avoid running because it is too tough, especially for students who only run a little. Those of us who run every day would enjoy running. That is because we run regularly, so our fitness level matches the challenge of the activities. The problem is some of them have the experience of being scolded by their PE teachers for walking during a run. The more they try to push themselves during the run, the worse they feel, making them hate running even more.
I thought their behaviour towards running needed to change, so during a running lesson, I told the students that they were not allowed to play any games because their attitude during the previous run was not up to expectation. After one round around the basketball courts, I asked them, “Are you running at your own pace, or are you trying to compare yourself with others?”. After the second round, I ask the same question again. After the third round, I ask them to get in pairs. One partner will help the other partner take the heart rate. Then I told them, “You will take turns to run until you hit 70% of your maximum heart rate.”
After another two more rounds, they realised they had been running too fast. Round after round, their partners advised them to slow down. Some even walked just to hit the 70%. I knew that I needed to start giving them positive reinforcement somewhere during the lesson. So whenever students achieve 70% of their maximum heart rate, I praise the class for their effort. When they felt the run was not painful, their motivation grew. I said to them, “Very good! You can choose to stop running and take a break.” But to my surprise, the students continued because they said they enjoyed it!
Whatever consequence we mete out, we need to set them up for success. If we cannot find anything positive to talk about the students, it could be the challenge of the task being too difficult or too easy for them. For example, when we see some students not showing enthusiasm in the game, we must ask ourselves, “Is the task too difficult for them?” “Were there enough scaffoldings to help them?” “Are they playing with students of much higher abilities?” Most of us would be reluctant if an activity is too difficult. Most of us will feel bored if the activity is too easy. So it is essential to assess their abilities to learn before thinking that they have poor behaviour.
It uplifts students
“If you work around at-risk teen students, actually tell them you love them and have faith in their success. No one tells them that. No one.”
Ace Antonio Hall
Many students have never had much positive affirmation in their lives. Because they did not have a supportive environment outside school, they did poorly in schools, which led to more reprimanding from parents and teachers. Some of their parents use hostile discipline, causing them to develop aggressive and disruptive behaviour in the classroom (Braungart-Rieker, 2023).
Mr C, who is a discipline master, has a system of giving students one hour of detention for one month if they are disruptive in class. During the detention, Mr C would help with tuition on subjects they struggle with. He would empower the students to help one another to develop care and empathy. He would also rally the schools to get volunteers to stay after school to help these students. The students soon develop competencies in the subjects, which increase their intrinsic motivation to learn.
Mr C told me teachers need the discipline committee members to help them stop disruptive behaviour to have a safer teaching environment. He believes that the job of a discipline master is to think deeply enough to find a win-win approach — Stop the undesirable behaviours and start building the good ones!
One last note — Start with WHY
It is important to note that whenever we want to be strict with the students, we should always explain to them the reason for being tough. “Because you can achieve so much more if there is no disruption to the lesson.” “Because if you still continue, I cannot prove to your parents that you can learn.”, “Because many of your classmates are struggling, that’s why I need you to help them.” or “Because I want you to enjoy running”. As Sinek (2011) shares in his book Start with WHY, the WHY is their reason for being, and the WHY is why anyone should care.
Reference
Braungart-Rieker, J. (2023, September 4). Harsh Parenting impacts learning and Behavior | C&F. Child and Family Blog. https://childandfamilyblog.com/harsh-parenting-impacts-a-childs-learning-and-behavior/
Cherry, K. C. (2022, September 22). What is a Self-Fulfilling prophecy? Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-self-fulfilling-prophecy-6740420
Eccles, J., Adler, T. F., Futterman, R., Goff, S. B., Kaczala, C. M., Meece, J., and Midgley, C. (1983). Expectancies, values and academic behaviours. In Spence, J. T. (ed.)Achievement and Achievement Motives, W. H. Freeman, San Francisco.
Mcleod, S., PhD. (2023). Operant Conditioning: What it is, how it works, and examples. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/operant-conditioning.html
Melnyck, R. (2019, May 9). Carrots and Sticks: 7 Reasons They Don’t (Usually) Work! — Prime your pump. Prime Your Pump. https://primeyourpump.com/2019/05/08/carrots-and-sticks/#:~:text=The%20reason%20being%20is%20that,of%20the%20task%20or%20activity.
Sinek, S. (2011). Start with why: The Inspiring Million-Copy Bestseller That Will Help You Find Your Purpose. Penguin UK.
Tassell, G. V. (2005, March). Classroom management. CYC Net. https://cyc-net.org/cyc-online/cycol-0305-classroom.html
Wahome, C., & McMillen, M. (2022, May 13). Operant Conditioning: What it is and how it works. WebMD. https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-operant-conditioning
Whitmore, J. (2017). Coaching for Performance Fifth Edition: The Principles and Practice of Coaching and Leadership UPDATED 25TH ANNIVERSARY EDITION. Nicholas Brealey.
Zheng, Y., Mancino, J., Burke, L. E., & Glanz, K. (2017). Current theoretical Bases for nutrition intervention and their uses. In Elsevier eBooks (pp. 185–201). https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-802928-2.00009-6
