PUBLISHING
5 Things I learned from reading Cosmopolitan at age 35
I don’t know what I was thinking. Maybe because 2020 has deprived us of social gatherings. Maybe because I’ve spent the past five years trying to read business magazines. Maybe because for the past year I’ve lived too far from my girlfriends to have those Tuesday night wine and gossip sessions at one of our apartments… I don’t know how it happened, but there is was: a copy of Cosmopolitan Middle East, September/October 2020 issue, made its way into my shopping cart. At first, I was surprised. Then I got confused, and by the time I got to the last page, I was flat out annoyed. Here are five things I learned:
1. Cosmo is facing an identity crisis
It really doesn’t know if it’s speaking to a 15 year old, or a 35 year old. Worldwide, Cosmo is famous for its Sex And The City style of articles — a quick google search will show that the first thing Cosmo sells about itself is “Your source for the latest sex tips”. Now, I understand a business needs to adapt itself to different geographies, respecting different societal norms and religious values, but there would have been plenty of ways to preserve editorial intent and quality.
Your role, Cosmo, is to empower women — the adult kind. Two articles in this issue address ways to communicate with your parents — “just hand this to your dad and go make some avo toast” verbatim — while the fashion section features work outfits including USD 1,600 suits! Very confusing, and I’m not just referring to the nature of the content, but also language. ‘Thingy’ and ‘probs’ should never have made their way into a publication, not to mention the several acronyms which are completely unknown to me. In our daily rush, we are always taking shortcuts and replacing words and intent with emojis, gifs and stickers. We also barely ever handwrite anymore. And, let’s be honest, how many books are women in their 20’s and 30’s reading when they most likely have a full time job, children to raise, and a house to maintain? Publishers have an ever-growing responsibility to keep our languages alive.
2. “Swipeability”, or making your profile pictures on dating apps more “swipeable”, is now a science
That’s right, there is a company called Snappr using AI insights to teach humans how to win the swipe right volume game (because volume is what we should be aiming for?). Make sure to get a pet, ladies, because that will make you seem more sensitive, caring and a good mommy potential. Also, if you don’t know what to do with your hands on your selfies, you’ll be happy to go through a guide with eight cool options for you to choose from.
3. There is a “tiny tattoo” trend out there
And apparently you need an action plan to get yourself one. Some tips in that article are actually interesting, such as how you can prep your skin starting a month in advance so that it absorbs the ink better, but I’m still stuck in the headline “Everything you need to know about tiny tattoos”. Everything? And not just about tattoos in general? Specific for the tiny ones? Who would have thunk it.
I’m just gonna let “bacial” (back facial) go. I don’t have anything to say to that.
4. Exercising makes you old
Now that’s a learning I can use to my advantage... Apparently, cardio is not our friend and the regular bouncing will cause your face and breasts to droop… Well, nothing that technology can’t fix.
I’m also gonna let the elbow-length gloves trendsetting effort for covid safety slide, because that’s just wrong.
5. Geography is subjective
“Eight girls. One show. Spanning several Arab countries across the world”, is what the headlines said. Across the whole wide world, my friends, when all eight girls are within less than 5,000 Km radius. I guess that’s a matter of perspective.
Here’s why this magazine pissed me off: It’s been so long since my last Cosmo purchase, that when I got this one I thought I had gone mad! Maybe my memory had betrayed me and I imagined Cosmopolitan to be something exciting for women my age, on their 30s. You can imagine my surprise on page 6, the first article in the magazine, being about The Cosmo Cup, a gaming tournament for girls. But then, there came an article about the dirty Netflix sensation 365 Days. Confusion kicked in; that’s when I googled it.
I carried on: swipeability, followed by how to address millennial stereotypes with daddy (as if millennials weren’t grown-ass people by now), and what kind of pasta are you… Then another plot twist: an article about facial acids. Bingo! That’s something a 35 year-old will read. But then back to disappointment, and as I reached the end of the magazine, I really didn’t need to be reminded of Lady Gaga’s ridiculous meat outfit for the VMAs in 2010.
Cosmo, oh Cosmo. You have betrayed my hunger for good old girl talk. You have broken that circle of trust, the safe space where women can be free to be women, and seek expert advice to quench curiosity, appease fear and anxiety, spark passion and build character.
Get your act together, publishers. You still have an important role in society; content integrity above all.
