CAREER & PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

How burnout brought me back to life

My three steps to crawling out of half a decade of depression and low attention span

It’s no secret that millennials are the generation burnout, and I’m no exception. I’ve been on a learning dry spell since about 6 months into my MBA, from which I graduated five years ago. Since then, I haven’t really been able to commit to most types of reading, and very few things excite me. Although considering myself to be an avid content consumer, I started getting really worried about my low attention span when I found myself bored at the movies. That used to be one of my favorite things to do! My brain was progressively shutting down on me, and when I did manage to read, listen to, or watch something, I’d forget all about it almost instantly.

After the five long years of a veiled depression — and several others that had been paving way to them — I’m now at an accelerated route to recovery thanks to my latest burnout. I wrote the first version of this article about three weeks ago, and it was totally different. It was all about realizing I was depressed and how I got there. I’m going to spare you of all that drama, and instead tell you how I’ve been coming out of it in just a couple of weeks.

Photo by Peter Conlan on Unsplash

Step 01: Keep trying different methods to overcome your blockages

What annoyed me the most during these years was not being able to tap into my normal brain capacity. My personal burnout translated into a “can’t see, can’t hear, can’t talk” behavior. For the most part, that didn’t affect my work performance. That was lucky in a way, but it also meant it was my personal time that got deprived of any source of inspiration. That was a long, steady and silent torture. I even bought books about brain health, but you guessed it: I couldn’t read them. I went through all grief cycles about that, but there had to be a solution. So, here’s a list of what I tried and how it landed (or not) on my radar:

1. Print books and e-books: it takes me forever to read. Two sentences are enough for my brain to wander off, and the battle of pulling it back and re-reading each paragraph five times ensues until I completely give up and put the book aside. Boring and difficult reads don’t fly. If I am to succeed at reading, it needs to be fiction — and a pretty good one at that. I probably read one book a year — if at all. But dozen others are begun and abandoned along the way. I completely swapped the businessy non-fiction and professional development books, by heartwarming reads. I am currently going through Elizabeth Gilbert’s City of Girls — I love it and I’m very hopeful I’ll get to the end of it, but I still need to patiently perceive when my mind is open to the task. One of the most humbling lessons for me is that, above all, you must be kind to yourself. Your body is telling you something important, so give it time — as long as it needs.
2. Audiobooks: this was my first lifeline. I can pay attention a lot more successfully to audiobooks. It took some time to train my hearing but, luckily, I am now able to consume a lot more fiction and non-fiction thanks to Audible. There are still books I try and immediately dismiss, but on a much healthier rate. I’m actually very happy to be on a gold streak right now: The Girl Who Wrote in Silk, Beneath a Scarlet Sky, and now How to be Everything and A House in the Sky. Before these though, Alias Grace was a huge no no for my mind (as Atwood usually is); I went through the whole book not two months ago and I can’t tell you what it’s about!
3. Podcasts: not really. Tried, but haven’t been able to create this habit.
4. Face to Face Courses: these are still my favorite way to learn, but sadly I don’t live in a city which has an abundance of learning centers — let alone accredited ones. I’ve thought about creating a new travel habit to take different courses in different places. That’s in my bucket list for a post-COVID world.
5. MOOCs: started a million, abandoned all. I certainly cannot endure forums and team assignments (thanks for the trauma, MBA). I just don’t find them interesting enough to sustain my attention.
6. Online Masterclasses & Netflix Shows: these have been much better alternative to MOOCs. They scratch the surface in any topic, I know. But being a generalist (or, as I’ve just learned from Emilie Wapnick’s listen, a multipotentialite — and I’ll come back to this as it’s critical for my recovery), I am happy with knowing the basics of a lot of topics, instead of too much of one. These are catchy and enriching enough for me to go through and retain some of the information. I recently finished Rita Konig’s Interior Design course on Create Academy. It was personal enough to get me curious and moving from video to video, completing it in just a couple of days. Get Organized with The Home Edit on Netflix was great fun (as well as addictive and paranoia-inducing), and Skillshare has become my daily bedtime routine. I’m sure I’m going to be writing more about Skillshare, so it suffices to say here that this hit the spot and come as my second lifeline.
7. News & Editorial: forget it — especially if related to work. If it’s a more relaxed topic, such as wellness, lifestyle, decoration, etc., I may be able to read the first paragraph, and then flip the page.
8. YouTube & Wikipedia: this became a quick and easy way to learn about anything. Not in-depth, not even trustworthy, but better than ignorance!

So, between the all of these different mediums, I could consume a lot more content. Not enough to satisfy my thirst for knowledge, but enough to survive through the past couple years. Learning which one to resort to become part-solution, part-fun. It took away quite a bit of the anxiety that I used to feel about not being able to read more books and traditional media. So, please, keep trying new things every day.

Step 02: Accept — and I mean really internalize — that you’re not going to get any better by doing things the same way

I have been overworked since my graduation. I live in the Middle East, far away from my family and childhood friends. I was 29 when I arrived here and, by then, I had already dropped out of a few college degrees (managed to finish one of them, thankfully!), had four jobs in totally different industries and owned my own business. My career wasn’t making any sense, so it was time to stop and regroup. Because there is nothing better than studying during a sabbatical, off I went to acquire two degrees: a certificate in graphic design and an MBA.

How I ended up in Dubai for my master’s is probably story for another article, but there I was, on the eighth month of my sabbatical, with no connections in this part of the world — alas, having never set foot in this part of the world. My father, as always, was the sole bearer of costs for my study wanderings. I, as always, felt an incredible pressure to succeed and not disappoint. So, I did what I do best, I dove right in, and it didn’t take me six months to burnout.

Fast forward 5 years and 3 highly successful and life-draining jobs, I had still been nurturing that MBA burnout in my mind and body. You see, I was raised to put career first — just like you probably were, fellow millennial. I pushed as best as I could. I put aside any clumsy attempt at sports, spirituality, hobbies, and most of my desire to live a sociable life. I have friends, and I love them to bits, but after 3 hours out, I need to go home and recharge.

That is not normal, and the earlier you truly accept that, the earlier you will be able to see different ways to live. When I started my rebellion out of depression some six months ago, I began to sew, write, do macrame, cook, bake and do all sorts of things that took me as far away from work as I could possibly get. In my mind they were just hobbies, a way to escape, but pretty soon I realized I couldn’t live without them anymore. Once upon a time I had allowed myself to create, to become a journalist, to be become a graphic designer, all of that kept neatly stored away in a mental box while corporate-me did what it was trained to do: climb the freaking ladder.

And then there was Emilie. Clarity, at last. The changing factor between the first draft of this article and the one you’re reading. I learned what I was, a multipotentialite. Someone who needs to learn and do a series of things with their lives. I’ve always been ok with not being a specialist, nor a perfectionist, but now I finally have a term, a personality, that I can be proud of. I can acquiesce at the thought that it is ok to be unsatisfied with the life I have been living, because I’ve been living it from someone else’s perspective. I can’t stress enough how this one word is what finally got me out of my long-lasting depression. And guess what, I’ve become better at my corporate job again simply because I accepted that it isn’t enough for me. That alone gave me a much needed energy boost.

You may not identify yourself with being a multipotentialite; that might not be anywhere close to your burnout cause. What this means to you is that if you don’t find the source of your agony, and truly understand that something has to change, it is very possible that even if you emerge from your depression, it will never be truly gone.

Step 03: Prepare yourself for a leap and take every advice with a grain of salt

I don’t need to tell you that change is difficult, and that most people in your life will be against it. So piece of advice #1: listen to them, but not really. Tell them, but not really. It is your life, your struggle, your risk, your success and your failure. The more we love them, the better we do in keeping them halfway in the dark. Save them the fear and worry for your choices. Piece of advice #2: if you’re not ready for a change, don’t change. If uncertainty will cause you more anxiety than excitement, it may become an entire new source of burnout. As Demi said, it’s ok not to be ok. Take your time, keep researching and celebrating small wins (in my case one more book marked ‘read’ on goodreads). The energy you will feel when you’re ready is not only unnoticeable, but unescapable.

Let’s give in to some Marshmello time

I know you know that you’re not alone, but I hope this article gives you some degree of comfort. COVID-19 had everything to do with my recent, implacable burnout. Way too long stuck at home, giving wings to more work and more pressure, more WhatsApp, more emails and more calls. Longer work hours, less privacy in my own home. I can be reached anywhere, anytime. But, the lockdown also had everything to do with my speedy recovery, and I thank God for it. This isn’t unique to me. The world is more alert, more conscious, more friendly. Several of my colleagues and friends are going through this healthy questioning. I’m excited for them as I am for myself. What will become of us in 2021 is uncertain, but damn it if it isn’t exhilarating. There are so many great initiatives and movements springing up around the world. So many people finally finding their way back home to healthier, happier lives. I can’t wait to see what this new version of me will achieve, and if you’ve gotten this far into 2,000 words, I’m sure so will you.