Six Tips for the Best Delusional Vacations

The History of Delusional Vacations, for the curious

(If you already know the history, please feel free to skip down to the tips)

On March 31st, 2017, the humble V and The H discovered something very disquieting in their calm and idyllic home.

They found bugs.

Now, this might sound like the beginning of something like the Bourne novels, but alas, these were not the sexy, 007 kind of spying devices. Nor were they the sexy bugs one might find in their code (Hey! Nerdy is the new sexy!)

These were the flat, round, makes-you-itch-in-the-wrong-places-at-the-right-time bed bugs.

Ugh.

The house got sprayed by Pest Control the next day, and the couple suddenly found themselves unclear as to whether ‘pests’ meant all tiny creatures, including their toddler. Not wanting to take the chance, as responsible parents, they checked into the cheapest hotel in the neighborhood — a cute little place which was mostly empty that day; a fact that they absolutely loved. The only other occupant in the hotel was the hotel owner’s bodyguard.

Bodyguard.

No, this still isn’t turning into the Bourne series. The story of the owner, and why he needed a bodyguard, shall remain a mystery.

But this incident marked the birth of Delusional Vacations.

Have you ever been desperate for a vacation but been too broke to take one? Have you ever wanted to run away from your life, only to discover you are in such bad shape, you can only get till the end of your road? A Delusional Vacation is the just the thing for you!

A Delusional Vacation is when you have checked into a hotel that is barely 3 blocks from your house and decide that this is the closest you are going to get to an actual vacation, and that you should make the most of it.

Without further ado, here are a few kick-ass tips to make your Delusional Vacation a grand success.

1. Never pull open the curtains. The big pile of trash you cross by to get your house everyday might just be staring back at you.

2. When you see your milkman delivering the milk to the hotel, pretend that he is George Clooney, who is there on vacation there as well. Grin manically at him and act flushed with excitement.

3. If you must watch TV, tune into a channel which is in a language you do not understand. Proceed to shake your head in awe and say, ‘You can learn so much from a different culture.’

4. When you realize you’ve forgotten something at home that is essential for the toddler, send your partner to pick it up. Especially if he rolls his eyes every time you say ‘vacation’. He doesn’t deserve this fake holiday.

5. Train your toddler to wave his arms up in the air and yell ‘Viva la Vacation’ on cue. Have him do this every couple of hours.

6. Spend as much time as you can in the loo. Nothing says vacation more than different scenery while sitting on the throne with an exposed bum.

Hope your next Del-Vacay is fabulous! And remember, a brilliant vacation need not be a real vacation.

Have any tips of your own? Leave them in the comments sections- we would love to hear from you!

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