10 Questions for Puppy Haters

Credit: the author

1. Do you also hate cake? Because a puppy is like a giant piece of cake that you snuggle with and never gets stale and dry.

2. Who hurt you?

3. Followup: Have you thought about how a dog could help fix that hurt?

4. Additional followup: Were you hurt by someone who loved you too deeply, gave you endless affection, and led with their heart and soul?

5. Have you had the opportunity to meet my dog? Everyone loves my dog.

6. Do you need a therapist? My former therapist told me she doesn’t trust people who don’t like dogs. My assumption is that all therapists are unwilling to work with puppy haters, so perhaps you’re just having trouble securing a good mental health professional. Incidentally, my dog is a great listener.

7. What do you like? Rattlesnakes? Okay, I can work with that. A rattlesnake is basically a dog who will kill you as opposed to spoon you every night.

8. Are you more of a cat person? A cat is basically a dog who hates you.

9. Do you think you don’t deserve love? You do! A dog is like a 20-150-pound love vessel who will adore you even if you don’t reciprocate. But let’s get back to why you refuse to reciprocate.

10. Perhaps you’re looking for someone a little more discerning with their affections. Can I interest you in a Bloodhound?

That said, the world is divided into people whose faces light up when they see my dog and monsters.

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Sign up for The Haven's Newsletter

By The Haven

Now with More Nudity and a Patreon! Take a look.

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Laura Berlinsky-Schine

Written by

Writer of words. Mocker of people and things. Dog mom to Hercules Elton John. Contributor to Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, Robot Butt, and Funny-ish.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Laura Berlinsky-Schine

Written by

Writer of words. Mocker of people and things. Dog mom to Hercules Elton John. Contributor to Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, Robot Butt, and Funny-ish.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store