1. Do you also hate cake? Because a puppy is like a giant piece of cake that you snuggle with and never gets stale and dry.
2. Who hurt you?
3. Followup: Have you thought about how a dog could help fix that hurt?
4. Additional followup: Were you hurt by someone who loved you too deeply, gave you endless affection, and led with their heart and soul?
5. Have you had the opportunity to meet my dog? Everyone loves my dog.
6. Do you need a therapist? My former therapist told me she doesn’t trust people who don’t like dogs. My assumption is that all therapists are unwilling to work with puppy haters, so perhaps you’re just having trouble securing a good mental health professional. Incidentally, my dog is a great listener.
7. What do you like? Rattlesnakes? Okay, I can work with that. A rattlesnake is basically a dog who will kill you as opposed to spoon you every night.
8. Are you more of a cat person? A cat is basically a dog who hates you.
9. Do you think you don’t deserve love? You do! A dog is like a 20-150-pound love vessel who will adore you even if you don’t reciprocate. But let’s get back to why you refuse to reciprocate.
10. Perhaps you’re looking for someone a little more discerning with their affections. Can I interest you in a Bloodhound?
That said, the world is divided into people whose faces light up when they see my dog and monsters.