10 Things I Want To Learn During The Next Lockdown
How To Vaccinate Myself
Let’s be honest; people are receiving their vaccine booster shots. That means soon; there will be a fourth and fifth booster shot. I rather vaccinate myself. Just give me the vaccine, a needle, and a belt, and I think I can figure it out.
How To Start A Podcast
Everybody is doing it, and it seems to be the main line of communication. While we’re all hunkered underground due to the zombie apocalypse, somebody, myself, needs to communicate with Americans and tell them the truth; Space Jam 2 wasn’t that bad!
How To Use A Handgun
Honestly, the way people were acting about buying toilet paper, I know I’ll need a gun during this zombie apocolypse. I refuse to argue with Betty White on the last pack of toilet supplies. I will have to use force. Unless she’s wearing a shirt that says Betty Wipe, then I’ll let her have the toliet paper because she’s adorable.
How To Say No To Masturbation
I used to do it all the time and became too lazy to fight off the zombies approaching my bunker. While I lay there exhausted and eating snacks, one zombie bit off my hand. I was frustrated at first, but then I thought, wow, my masturbation struggles are gone!
How To Use Photoshop
After I’ve vaccinated myself for the fifth time and my arm has fallen off, I’ll need photoshop to make everything look great! I’ll release beach pictures from 2019- what a precious year- to keep my Instagram updated. They’ll never know I haven’t showered in years, I’m 40 pounds lighter, and I have limited mobility in the one arm I have left. But, cheers to 2022!
How To Argue On Social Media
I’m still old-fashioned. I like to argue with people and use racial slurs in person. I have not mastered the techniques of trolling on social media. I’ve been googling how to find IP addresses and studying Lil Nas X to better my internet skills.
How To Cook
Uber eats still takes decades to deliver food. The sanitation workers removed all the dead bodies from the street, so I figured they’d speed up their delivery process, but no. I ordered a taco on Wednesday, and it’s been a whole week. Either the delivery driver was killed, attacked by a zombie, or was starving!
How To Scam
Everybody got those PPP Loans. I won’t say anything too specific because y’all love to snitch. But, if you see me with a new prosthetic arm, handgun, and body armor made out of amazon bubble wrap, you know what I did to get it.
How To Really Use A Handgun
I know I said to use a handgun before, but I really need to learn how to use a firearm. It’s real out here, and I need to know how to kill people immediately. Mainly, Uber eats drivers for taking days to deliver my food.
How To Die
By the time the eighth vaccine is released, I know it’ll be my time to go. I want to die peacefully by being slaughtered on my Instagram live. Hopefully, I go viral, and my legacy lives on weeks after I die.
